‘What’s the stupidest way you almost died?’ – 17 most memorable (and stupid)

Poke Staff. Updated September 23rd, 2021

One of our favourite bits of the fabulous Horrible Histories is the ‘stupid deaths’ segment where they bring to life the gloriously stupid ways in which people have died.

This is like that but different – ‘stupid nearly deaths’ – after Redditor goosearms asked this.

“What is the stupidest way you almost died?”

And they answers came thick – sometimes very thick – and fast. Here are 17 of the most memorable (and stupid).

‘Stuck my head out the car window because I wanted to see why dogs loved it. My grandpa didn’t notice, rolled up the window, and I choked.

‘He freaked out when he heard the cat like noises (ironic) I was making while my neck was trying to squeeze through the small opening of the window, but kept raising the window in his panic. Eventually he got it and I was left with a red mark on my neck and no closer to understanding dogs.’
guppied

‘I snorkelled too far out into the ocean, and it wasn’t because it was a riptide, I just got distracted by pretty fish.’
disneyisinatlantis

3.
‘I walked into a back room freezer of a grocery store. The huge door was designed to close automatically. I knew this and went in and did what I was there to do. After 30 seconds, I couldn’t catch my breath. I thought maybe I was just working to hard so I stopped and took several huge breaths, nothing. I felt like I was drowning out of water.

‘I had to move as quickly as I could back outside of the freezer and feel to my knees gasping when I got out. It was only afterwards I realized for some dumb reason someone kept open dry ice in a cart inside of the freezer.

‘Dry ice removes oxygen out of the air in enclosed spaces. I almost died from lack of oxygen and would have been an icicle when they found me. Don’t f-ck with dry ice.’
bdx22

‘I stuck my head in a random beaker to sniff something in chem lab, I have been very good about wafting since.’
plrbear237

‘Grown adult and choked on mozzarella cheese. Was only alone for 20 minutes. Can’t imagine the obituary.’
outtsideyerhouse

‘Swam under a shipyard pier at night (solid concrete above me) and lost my sense of direction. Got lucky and found my way out.

‘To add more detail – A friend and I were “assault swimmers” attacking a ship for a training exercise at night. We would swim from pier pylon to pylon underwater. Take a breath, go under, push off, and swim ~20’ to the next pylon, surface and repeat. My mask broke and I was doing it with my eyes closed due to having contacts at the time.

‘One time I just kept swimming and felt like I missed the pylon. When I went to slowly broach the surface I found myself under the concrete above. I had no idea the pier was even built like that. Put my hands up and oriented myself. It looked dark in all directions but my gut told me to the right is where I came from. After that, I stayed on the surface! Cheers!’
bomb-diggity-sailor

‘Drove on an interstate during a hurricane and watched all the cars around me get submerged.’
Soft-Caterpillar-618

‘I was at a waterpark in Texas with one of those super tall, straight down slides. They had multiple signs saying things like “DO NOT PUSH OFF BEFORE SLIDING DOWN!” me being an 18 year old idiot and wanting to race my friend, I decided to push off. That extra push started my slow-motion, airborne flight over the slide. I was then staring 100ft down at concrete and my other friend who had his jaw open.

‘What felt like minutes later, I smacked back down onto the slide and made my way down to the bottom. Thank God for the engineers that planned for suicidal idiots like myself.’
cmoorecubs

‘Came very close (about two inches) to backing into a warehouse rack full of two ton coils of sheet metal when I didn’t realise that my forklift was in reverse.’
seefith

10.

‘While drunk, I sat down outside … to rest for a moment … on a freezing cold Winter’s night. Fortunately, a passerby noticed me and encouraged me to get inside. I figure I was probably there dozing for several minutes.’
humorous_anecdote

11.

‘Choked on a life saver.

‘EDIT: No, the hole in the center is not for breathing. Life Savers have holes in them because the inventor, Clarence Crace wanted to create a unique candy. Back in 1912 (109 years ago).’
ZeSavageCabbage

12.

‘I’m Italian but have been living in the UK for two years. Guess who looked at the wrong side of the road while a bus was coming trough? Everytime I went back to Italy I risked my life for the same reason by getting used to drive to the left and viceversa.’
Pellem01

13.

‘Almost got my head squashed by a car due to a small pebble making me fall on the main road.’
KingFisher0424

14.

‘Oh man this reminds me. A dealership I worked at had two man teams for the lube rack. Well I was a lube tech at the time. I was setting the lift on a full sized pickup when my team mate started raising the lift. My head got caught between the lift and the frame. Thankfully someone saw me and screamed at him to stop. I was seconds from getting my head popped like a tomato.’
MET90LX

15.

‘Unplugging the washing machine with wet hands. My hand slipped onto the prongs while they were still partially in the outlet, and I think my heart stopped for a second before I yanked the plug free. Definitely do not recommend.’
pseudosiren

16.

‘I coughed. Dislocated my C1-C2 vertebrae and spent 6 months in a body halo. Idk how close to death that counts, but be careful when you cough.’
LilCRapTherapist

17.

‘Went to go visit a friend in Gloucester Massachusetts in winter back in high school far from my home. I was planning on staying overnight at their house but their mother wouldn’t even let me in the house because the father ‘wasn’t home’ working a night shift. Friend said sorry bro and closed the door. Almost froze to death waiting outside in 10 degree F at night.

‘A cab driver saw me slumped on a bench and woke me up. Let me get warm and drive around in the passenger seat while he picked up drunk people out on the town all night. When he finished his shift he dropped me off at the train station and handed me 7 bucks for the fare. Dude probably saved my life and I can’t even remember his name.’
kdubbsd

And finally, an important public service announcement.

‘Being sleepy on the road. Don’t. Find a spot and sleep a bit.’
taioshin14

Just in case this has got you in the mood from some proper stupid deaths, over to Horrible Histories.

Source Reddit u/goosearms