This writer nails who is to blame for the world being in such a state

I wish I could blame the bankers for all my shortcomings in life. I wish I could blame the government. I wish I could blame the Tories. I wish I could blame Theresa May. I wish I could blame the rich. I wish I could blame the corporations. I wish I could blame the elites. I wish I could blame tax avoiders. I wish I could blame capitalism. I wish I could blame America. I wish I could blame the EU. I wish I could blame the bureaucrats. I wish I could blame immigrants. I wish I could blame cheap foreign labour. I wish I could blame people coming over here. I wish I could blame benefit scroungers. I wish I could blame blacks. I wish I could blame whites. I wish I could blame Jews. I wish I could blame Muslims. I wish I could blame the West. I wish I could blame the East. I wish I could blame Zionism. I wish I could blame the patriarchy. I wish I could blame globalisation. I wish I could blame political correctness. I wish I could blame the press. I wish I could blame the media. I wish I could blame the system. I wish I could blame anyone and anything for the failures in my life but the evidence is in and it’s overwhelming – I’m a fucking numbnuts…

…irrefutable evidence has been unearthed and it turns out I’m a schmuck.

…the verdict is in and I’ve been a toss-pot all along.

I am the 21st century’s greatest arse-bucket and I’m reaping my own rewards.

I am Lord of my own losses.

Master of my own misery.

Don of my own doom.

Every lame choice has been mine alone.

Every misadventure has belonged to me.

Every mistake has been my own.

I’d love to blame others but the prosecution have played a blinder: I’m a complete and utter toss-giblet who has fucked up the life-long game of free will.

Yes…

Captain Cretin has followed his own crayon-drawn map leading to an X marking a chest full of bollocks…

General Dumb-kopf’s brain-damaged chickens are coming home to roost…

Sergeant Schlimazel has snuck up to success but bumped into the trolleys again sending them into a clatter and sent success running…

I wanna blame the bankers but it was me in school who got a detention for forging the perfect snowball and lobbing it at Miss Morgan.

I wanna blame the Tories but it was me who smoked a hallucinogenic drug that made me think my head was made out of concrete during my final exam term at uni…

I wanna blame the one percent but I’m the guy that thought, “Fuck it – I’ll just have five more minutes sleep” and then slept through the alarm and missed those job interviews…

I wanna blame the immigrants but I’m the guy that can’t stop eating shit and has a gut to show for it…

I wanna blame the system but it was me who chose to wear the same pants three days running…

I wanna blame everyone but it turns out I was in control all along and forging my own path.

Well I’m not gonna let myself get away with it anymore!

I’m wrestling back control from myself!

I’m going on a one man march with a placard saying, “I’m crap.”

I’m chanting, ”Down with me and all my decisions!”

I’m yelling, “What do I want? No more free will! When do I want it? You tell me…”

I’m not taking this shit from myself anymore!

I wish I could blame and scapegoat others for all the disappointments and failures in my life.

But the judge’s gavel is down and sentence has been passed: I’m a simpering fuck-nut and gibbering cock-whistle who stubs his own toes, bites his own tongue and occasionally has to hold in a piss for far too long.

I’m a witless wanderer ambling stupidly down paths I shouldn’t take.

I’m a hapless halfwit who makes choices a village idiot would find questionable.

I’m useless.

I’m awful.

I’m a gimp.

I’m a fool.

And as soon as I know whose fault that is I’ll blame them.


Lee Kern is a comedian and writer.
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Read last week’s column about pornography and good manners here.