50 Tweets That Will Brighten Your Day #3
Our weekly compilation of twit-wit..
1. Cannot unsee
— Mr Biffo (@mrbiffo) August 5, 2015
2.
the ghostbusters theme song establishes who i should call in the case of a ghost emergency but does not provide a shred of contact info
— taco bell enthusiast (@robynr666) July 25, 2015
3.
What's everybody's favorite bird? I'll go first. Birds are sky garbage. Fuck your favorite bird.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 20, 2013
4.
[please enter a password] ilovedogs [password must contain at least one capital] iloveparisdogs
— ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) February 11, 2015
5.
When it comes down to it, parenting is basically snuggling and slowly watching everything you've ever owned be destroyed.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 19, 2014
6.
Years of gaming have taught me there is something behind this wall. pic.twitter.com/xD4vbxQmmd
— Lea (@LegendaryLeaTV) June 30, 2015
7.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village. pic.twitter.com/FDgZZvHXQ8
— Tom (@tdawks) August 9, 2015
8.
Whoa just realized F.ross R.achel I.oey E.obe N.onica D.andler S.ome friends
— dana bell (@danacbell) May 6, 2015
9.
RIP Jamiroquai, U are wiv da angels now pic.twitter.com/FIMLFs6wqc
— simon buschenfeld (@buschenfeld) August 4, 2015
10.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) May 30, 2015
11.
Do you want to be seen or not mate pic.twitter.com/m6VijjlnDV
— Joe (@joespacerogers) June 30, 2015
12.
Huge if true pic.twitter.com/3ONjePepOb
— Tom Hamilton (@thhamilton) February 21, 2015
13.
Pollock is my second favourite film about a famous painter's struggle with alcoholism, after Turner and Hooch.
— Jeremy Limb (@jeremylimb) August 8, 2015
14.
*someone starts having a heart attack* person: is anyone here a doctor?? vegan: im a vegan
— george w kush (@yungshoelace) April 20, 2015
15.
[enter password] *Correct* [your password is incorrect] Me: ahh that's right *incorrect* Login Successful
— TheRollman (@Rollmaninoz) June 29, 2015
16.
Bored in B&Q? Pretend the paint swatches are condom brands. pic.twitter.com/V7zMnKdryP
— Alex Purcell (@Purcell__) August 8, 2015
17.
A hedgehog composes the music to a plot-revealing scene in a psychological thriller. http://t.co/MvCShxEpHc
— SimonNRicketts (@SimonNRicketts) August 8, 2015
18.
At last. pic.twitter.com/PwKsRxkPew
— Eddie Mair (@eddiemair) August 8, 2015
19.
Oh no. Madonna's at the front door of my nan's house again. pic.twitter.com/tG5fpLIfpQ
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) August 10, 2015
20.
Couldn't remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6 and 500. Livid.
— Paul Sinha (@paulsinha) February 5, 2015
21.
This is my favorite gif in the world. pic.twitter.com/Dtj7nUW6v7
— Wesley Chu (@wes_chu) August 9, 2015
22.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) March 26, 2014
23.
FUN PRANK: Leave a falcon to someone in your will, you never had a falcon, but everyone will be like "where the fuck is the falcon?"
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 8, 2014
24.
Desperately wish I'd made this Vine. Genius. http://t.co/7HzUUEFi86
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) August 11, 2015
25.
CONVINCE people you are a moon by taking all your selfies through a toilet roll centre. (via @nathanknight) pic.twitter.com/GxHpvfDj0i
— Twop Twips (@TwopTwips) August 5, 2015
26.
All underwear is edible if you're willing to persevere.
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) October 22, 2012
27.
[stranded on a desert island with a beautiful woman] HER: It looks like it's just the two of us ME: *holding up sock puppet* Don't forget me
— Very Hungry Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) May 18, 2015
28.
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a tweet often goes undetected.
— cluedont (@cluedont) October 4, 2012
29.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
— Josh Nalven (@JNalv) February 20, 2013
30.
Women's deodorant scents: rose, cotton, spring, meadow Men's: WINTER ICE, SHARKNADO, GLACIER PUNCH, ANTIFREEZE, GUN
— Sophie Gadd (@sophie_gadd) December 1, 2014
31.
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven't even shot a normal person
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 14, 2015
32.
How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) October 17, 2012
33.
If you yawn loud enough Shazam will recognize it as Coldplay.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) July 12, 2015
34.
waiter: "have we decided yet sir?" me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] "the margarita pizza please"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) August 12, 2015
35.
This is *nearly* as good as Gove slipping over on ice. pic.twitter.com/l47c55Ll65
— SW (@Super_Work) August 12, 2015
36.
Stop saying "You've waited all your life for this." Everyone's waited all their lives for EVERYTHING. That's how time works.
— Caitlin Moran (@caitlinmoran) October 6, 2012
37.
GUY: What does it eat? ME: [falcon perched on shoulder] Updog *falcon starts break dancing* ME: Not yet Tyler, wait until he asks what it is
— huntigula (@huntigula) August 7, 2015
38.
A man just said I'm useless at describing people. He's got a cheek.
— This Guy.. (@CiaranM87) March 13, 2013
39.
Turns out when you're asked who your favourite child is you're expected to pick from your own.
— Baz (@bazlyons) December 1, 2014
40.
"hey what's that sqiggly thing on the ground?" "i don't know, it looks kinda like a w or m" — how the worm got its name
— ⒻⓇⓄ ⓋⓄ (@fro_vo) December 14, 2013
41.
[Writing Silence of the Lambs] Anyone have an idea for the cannibal's name? Jim: Hannibal? Anyone? Jim: Hannibal Anyone other than Jim?
— Dr. Jimi Torosian (@jimmytorosian) March 23, 2015
42.
Freddie Mercury: "Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?" Brian May: um… Fandango? Freddie: "Perfect!" *snorts another line of coke*
— Wilde Thing (@WildeThingy) April 25, 2015
43.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 17, 2013
44.
I'm not a racist but I do think immigrants are responsible for a lot of the rich, vibrant, dazzling variety of our nation's cultural life.
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) September 26, 2012
45.
The Picture of Dorian Grape. pic.twitter.com/EbTPYr3mzW
— David Stokes (@scottywrotem) July 15, 2013
46.
My local Sainsbury's has changed all the "five items or less" signs to "five items or fewer". Readers, I actually wept with happiness.
— Bao Bao (@fiatpanda) May 26, 2013
47.
How many dinosaur remains must we dig up before we understand why they lived underground?
— Ben (@snorewell) May 10, 2013
48.
Those who say "I love you" is the most beautiful three word phrase in English are overlooking the aesthetic glory of "shark devours Gove".
— Jason (@NickMotown) July 15, 2012
49.
Next time I step on Lego, I will simply get taller. I'm a bloody genius. pic.twitter.com/0gEoX4wVtw
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) November 19, 2014
50.
Mum just said "you treat this place like a hotel". Which she may regret when I give a lower score on Tripadvisor for 'rude staff'.
— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) December 29, 2014
[Compiled by @itsjamesherring]
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