50 Tweets That Will Brighten Your Day #2
1.
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 15, 2011
2.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can't believe it's 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts
— Craig Deeley © (@craiguito) November 15, 2014
3.
Icelandic lullaby pic.twitter.com/ITzM4fQcjz
— Sophie Penrose (@sophiepenrose) July 31, 2015
4.
"Welcome to the jungle" Thanks. "We've got fun and games" Cool. "You're in the jungle" We've established this "You're gonna die!" Wait what?
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 23, 2014
5.
The first rule of Hobbit Club is there's no tolkien about The Hobbit Club.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) August 2, 2015
6.
"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?" "No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my…" *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*
— ⒻⓇⓄ ⓋⓄ (@fro_vo) July 19, 2014
7.
IT'S SAD WHEN YOU HIDE UNDER THE BED WITH NO CLOTHES ON TO SURPRISE YOUR LOVER AND YOU HAVEN'T GOT A LOVER AND YOU'VE BEEN BANNED FROM IKEA.
— It's Sad When… (@ITSSADWHEN) August 1, 2015
8.
I FINALLY woke up to a 'good morning beautiful' text Ok it didn't say beautiful Or good morning Fine it said I used 100% of my data again
— FleurDeLea (@celestinelea90) August 1, 2015
9.
“Millennials are spoiled because they have iPhones!“ —douchebag whose generation was able to afford fucking brand-new houses at our age
— Vivian (@VanguardVivian) August 5, 2015
10.
Bae: come over Me: I can't, I'm hanging out with your parents. Bae: my parents aren't home. Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
— Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) November 17, 2014
11.
“I’ll have a rum and coke” Is pepsi ok? “Sure whatever” *hands you a pepsi and coke*
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2014
12.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) August 2, 2013
13.
The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.
— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) October 7, 2014
14.
[Sees bee on my wife's arm] Uh oh [I roll up a newspaper] Babe.. stay still.. (using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE'S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
— ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) February 16, 2015
15.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) October 28, 2013
16.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
— Joe West (@joejwest) September 9, 2014
17.
The most impressive thing about Arsenal is how it's very nearly two bum words in one name.
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) January 12, 2015
18.
[ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) June 8, 2015
19.
Ten, Twenty, Thirty, fourty, fifty, sixty, sixtyten, "what?" four twenties, "France, stop it" four twenties and ten. "France you're drunk"
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) August 10, 2013
20.
Daddy Bear -"Someones been sleeping in my bed." Mummy Bear -"Wouldn't be the first time." Daddy Bear -"It's been 3 years Sue, let it go."
— Nick Kay (@TheRealNickKay) January 29, 2015
21.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 13, 2014
21.
If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
— refriend beans (@pharmasean) June 12, 2013
22.
Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
23.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 4, 2014
24.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
— bread (@zoebread) August 25, 2013
25.
*Jesus excitedly runs home from school* "dad, dad! I made the football team" *God peers over his newspaper* "well i made FUCKING EVERYTHING"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 14, 2013
26.
Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Candles $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2013
27.
DATE: um, hi nice to meet y- ME: *muffled by my jousting helmet* you are a small and weak man
— madeleine (@madeleinedoux) February 27, 2015
28.
5 SECONDS AGO! What do we want? TIME TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them?
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) February 11, 2014
29.
No you didn't. pic.twitter.com/lJTd5yvyeb
— kerry (@RoxanneLaWin) August 1, 2015
30.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator] Scientist: Cat, what is your name? Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
31.
Parmesan Sir? "Yes please" Say when. *Grates Parmesan* Sir? "…" *Grates fingers* SIR? "…" *Grates entire hand* Please…I have a family.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) July 8, 2014
32.
*holds up 2 ties* which one, I have a big meeting today "both are nice" [wife calls later] "how'd it go" well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
— brent (@murrman5) September 22, 2014
33.
STILL the best Vine of all time https://t.co/eKb3etGhV5
— Captain Kidd (@kidd_kong78) August 2, 2015
34.
I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 24, 2013
35.
If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 9, 2012
36.
Interviewer: 'So where do you see yourself in 5-years time?' Me: 'My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.'
— cluedont (@cluedont) September 18, 2013
37.
When someone says, "Oh, you look like I feel" Say, "You feel like a SEXY MOTHERFUCKER?" Then moonwalk away whilst maintaining eye contact.
— Dan (@ehdannyboy) September 12, 2013
38.
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
— Mat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015
39.
The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. I shouted 'Stop!' but if anything that made it worse.
— Gary Delaney (@GaryDelaney) October 27, 2012
40.
One of my fav vines of all time https://t.co/SGTmlq7ou6
— #EndReplyAll2015 (@FeministaJones) August 2, 2015
41.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.
— Liz Buckley (@liz_buckley) November 19, 2013
42.
The inventor of autocorrect has died. I didn't even know he was I'll.
— Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) November 12, 2014
43.
Son: Why do bees have sticky hair? Me: I'll find out. *googles* Bees have epidermal cells called… Son: [sadly] 'Cos they use honeycombs.
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) January 5, 2015
44.
Having kids hasn't stopped us from doing anything we used to do. We still do the same stuff, it's just ruined.
— Easily Tempted (@EasilyTempted) July 10, 2014
45.
[crime show] DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been.. *Flintstones theme song plays* Murdered
— joe (@sad_tree) June 24, 2015
46.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Who's there? Fibonacci
— Bread Zeppellin (@breadzeppellin) August 11, 2014
47.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) October 24, 2014
48.
There's way too much science fiction where humans and aliens are friends, considering that we can't even get along with seagulls.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) July 26, 2015
49.
Benedict Cumberbatch walks into a bar. Barman says 'Why the long face?' 'Genetics', he sobs, and then I comfort him, sexually.
— Scriblit (@Scriblit) April 13, 2013
50.
"The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to… what? "Bond Name's the james" Are you alright? "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) December 2, 2014
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