Defence cuts latest: Captain Mainwaring to become ‘head of British Armed Forces’

As part of the government’s shake-up of defence spending, David Cameron will announce to the House of Commons this afternoon that not only will Dad’s Army will be ‘back on permanent re-run’, but Captain Mainwaring is to be given the top job.

“Though we will have to make cuts on actual troops and actual hardware,” says Cameron’s speech, leaked to The Poke, “there will be an unprecedented outlay on the spirit of defence, on the atmosphere of courage and tally-ho, even when the ordinance is perhaps not forthcoming.”

“To that end we will be paying Sky, ITV and the BBC to put Dad’s Army back on our screens at least twice a day until the next defence spending review in five years time.”

“We face a range of new threats, from terrorism to terrorism,” the PM continued, “and what we do not need is a fully functioning aircraft carrier. What we need is gumption, balls and old-fashioned heart, even in the face of obsolescence.”

“Therefore it is with great pride that I am hereby promoting Captain James Mainwaring to become overall head of the British Armed Forces as Chief of the Defence Staff – which will come at no expense to the British tax payer as he will retain his job at the bank.”