Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
Welcome to our regular round-up of the jokes that made us laugh the most over the past seven days. We recommend you read this without interruption – and not out loud, because they’re not all safe for work …or the commute.
1.
how long has Gwyneth Paltrow been detoxing surely she can’t have anything left at this point where does it end
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) March 14, 2023
2.
daytime drama commercial breaks: go on a cruise, plan your funeral, buy an armchair with a motor, do it now you've not got much time
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) March 15, 2023
3.
I ask for shower gel and I get brought minge napalm.
Marvellous. pic.twitter.com/CDwmwvddDg— Ina (@thatcymraes) March 14, 2023
4.
If I fall under a bus tomorrow, I’m really going to need someone to clear out my eBay history. pic.twitter.com/T3BqKaDTRP
— Alistair Coleman (@alistaircoleman) March 15, 2023
5.
He was a tough Parisian private eye. She was a Home Counties dame who made her own jams for the church fête. And when they got together, it was moydah!
Coming to ITV this autumn. pic.twitter.com/XPHrCCmqH0
— Beau (@DrBeauBeaumont) March 12, 2023
6.
Not to feed in to the London stereotype BUT I just introduced myself to my new neighbours moving in… only to discover that they are in fact my current neighbours, who have lived next door to me for four years, moving out
— Gareth King (@garethking_) March 15, 2023
7.
At @waitrose you can buy an empty jam jar for £2 or an identical one full of jam for £1.71. Your move … pic.twitter.com/z3qOzSkKWU
— DavidJWood (@RedWoodyLFC) March 13, 2023
8.
Lovely semi-colon but I don’t know if this makes sense. If you never lost it, ‘still got it’ is the same proposition, surely? Unless you just lost it for a bit and recovered it. I haven’t got ‘it’ to my knowledge so I’m a neutral here. pic.twitter.com/KUPnyY5k8f
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) March 14, 2023
9.
The Eighteen Ronnies pic.twitter.com/k0ESFtwhsU
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) March 14, 2023
10.
Looking at some COCONUT oil leave in conditioner online and checked the reviews. One person gave it 1 star because “I don’t like this product as it has a horrible smell but then I don’t like coconuts.” and now I’m just sitting here caught between laughter and despair.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 13, 2023
11.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
— moderately amusing gay wolf🌈 (@ModeratelyMused) March 16, 2023
12.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed pic.twitter.com/pLxM7ZWzf3
— Sunshine Moon 🏳️🌈 (@SunshineMoonRX) March 15, 2023
