Meet The Poke’s Vet

Steve Grunt, our new in-house veterinarian, has been practising for nearly 30 years. He first became interested in helping animals as a young boy when his parents bought him two hamsters for Christmas (JFK and Lulu). Even at 9 years old he had a natural aptitude for animal surgery and, in a partially successful operation, swapped over Lulu and JFK’s hearts.

 

As a student, Steve battled and largely overcame an addiction to ketamine and worming tablets to become Oxfordshire’s ‘Young Vet of The Year’ in 1980. Steve lives in the Oxfordshire village of Chitley-St. Trumble. He has one of the largest private taxidermy collections in the UK.

Do you have a question for Steve? Then please send him an email: [email protected]

Dear Steve,
My chocolate Labrador, Lady GaGa, seems a little under the weather. He is not his usual ebullient self. Also I have noticed that he is urinating more frequently than usual, and will often seem to lick his genitals immediately after passing water.
Rich Flotz.

Hi Rich,
Lady GaGa is exhibiting the classic symptoms of suffering from bladder stones. It’s fairly straightforward to sort out, however. Firstly, anaesthetise your dog using a mixture of Xylazine and Telazol (if you don’t have these handy you can induct successful anaesthesia with a large quantity of gin). Then using a knife, the sharpest you can find, make an incision through the abdominal wall in front of the pelvis. You should now be able to see the bladder (pinkish wobbly thing). Pull out Lady Gaga’s bladder through the hole. Now carefully cut through the bladder wall, remove the stones, stitch the bladder back together and stick his bladder back in place.

Dear Steve,
My Siamese cats are somewhat listless, and I’ve witnessed them eating grass in the garden. Is this normal?
Mr. Linsey Pithers

Dear Mr. Pithers,
Firstly, we don’t call them Siamese cats anymore (it’s racist); we call them CONJOINED cats. I can certainly have a bash at separating them – their listlessness is probably due to the fact that they’re sick of the sight of one another.

Dear Steve,
I’m thinking of buying a rabbit for my daughter’s 5th birthday. What’s the prettiest breed of rabbit?
Alexis Hunter-Basin (Mrs)

Alexis (Mrs),
I should plump for the classic white rabbit. I briefly had a job testing cosmetics on animals, and I found that pale blue eyeshadow, mascara and deep red lipstick look best. So you might want to tart it up a bit before you give it to her. Let me know how she likes it!

Hi Steve,
Firstly congratulations on your newly acquired position. You must be very proud. Like you, I love animals, Steve. I am always looking for the latest ones. Years ago I got one of those mice with ears on their backs. Sadly I had to let it go in the end, Steve, as it hated noise so much I was forced to tiptoe everywhere and had to watch the TV with ‘mute’ on. With ‘mute’ on, Steve! Can you imagine? You probably can as you’re a vet and obviously really clever. I also bought a micro pig. Unfortunately I got a 650w one instead of an 800w one. 15 seconds it lasted, Steve. I was heartbroken. Also, I have read in the papers recently that they have invented a glow in the dark cat! They are clever aren’t they? I wonder if you have to ‘charge’ them first by holding them under a lamp like those crap Halloween stickers you can get? Anyway, you’re a busy man so I’ll ask my question. As an animal lover I often look for new animal related pastimes to keep me busy. I’ve heard rather a lot about something called ‘Dogging’ and wanted to know if there are any special clubs you know of? Also, what type of dog would I need? I’ve tried in vain on several occasions to broach the subject with various friends and family members Steve, but they seem rather upset that I’ve asked? Weird. That’s it really, hope it goes well for you. I’m free most evenings and weekends if you fancy a pint or something? Maybe we could go ‘Dogging’ together? I leave it up to you.
Many thanks
w0z

Hello w0z,
It seems that you are confused. ‘Dogging’ is a pastime that has nothing at all to do with dogs. The term dogging refers to either having or observing exhibitionist sex in a public or semi-public place, usually outdoors. It’s no wonder that your friends and family have seemed upset by your attempts to discuss the subject! If you still wish to go dogging, I’m free this weekend and could come and collect you in my Morris 1000. Email me again.

Steve.
What’s a good name for a dog?
Adam Best (@Messerbest)

Hi Adam.
John is a good name for a dog.

 

Steve might be back next week. Remember, if you have an animal problem, send your questions to [email protected] or on Twitter @ThePoke

 

Steve’s spelling was corrected by David Harris