40 favourite funny tweets of the week(s)
We didn’t manage to share our favourite tweets last week, so you’ve got a bumper collection to read today, and all from the last fortnight.
As ever, give your favourites a retweet and a follow.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
— Rick Aaron (@RickAaron) September 9, 2021
Nobody tells Babar what to do pic.twitter.com/hJxM3PZubo
— Red Mobster 🦞 (@MobsterRed) September 5, 2021
Fondly remember getting my first elephant and reading the instruction manual cover to cover. pic.twitter.com/nCSJssVHsU
— Thinkwert (@Thinkwert) September 3, 2021
Um. I don’t know . Really . Might pass . pic.twitter.com/dax24gCpPW
— Sam Neill (@TwoPaddocks) September 2, 2021
I don’t believe in the supernatural but one phenomenon that always baffles me is when I look for something it definitely isn’t there but when my wife looks for it, suddenly it is.
— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) August 31, 2021
Ye can stop looking, we found the top 10 sticks in the park. pic.twitter.com/AzwXitgAwU
— chris o'dowd (@BigBoyler) August 30, 2021
Dolly Parton has a theme park named ‘Dollywood’. I think Elton John should follow suit and open one called ‘Elton Towers’.
— Flups (@TheRealFlups) August 28, 2021
packaging designer is a genius and i‘m buying 12 cartons to get all the designs pic.twitter.com/Ag99JxHnAv
— Rob N Roll (@thegallowboob) August 30, 2021
my brain: this is good until September 22 or 21st ish pic.twitter.com/uaiuiQo2IZ
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 30, 2021
We were talking about checking the freshness of cucumbers by hitting people over the head with them and this angry text meant for Radio 4 really killed the vibe pic.twitter.com/Z8HCymvFb9
— Greg James (@gregjames) August 31, 2021
one for sorrow
two for joy
three for a girl
four for hang on that's a lot of birds
five for what are they all doing
six for it's like they're massing for an attack
seven for oh shit oh no run go go
— joe (@mutablejoe) August 30, 2021
An Italian football fan politely imploring everyone to respect Italian food pic.twitter.com/jJx7jLZikh
— Project Football (@ProjectFootbalI) September 6, 2021
Just opened a packet of paracetamol. Or ‘a new hospital’ as Sajid Javid would call it.
— James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) August 28, 2021
I bloody knew it pic.twitter.com/G5pbeHUuXV
— Dom Joly (@domjoly) August 31, 2021
Child psychologist: Do you have any questions?
Me: How did you get a degree when you're only six?
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) September 2, 2021
At this point in my life, all of my clothes come from places that also sell groceries and tires.
— Mommy Meme Jeans (@mommymemejeans) September 2, 2021
One day someone is going to ask me to sign an ECG and I'll just write "this is fine" and never will they know whether I mean it's fine, or whether it's like the comic dog sitting in a room on fire.
— Dr Philip Lee (@drphiliplee1) August 31, 2021
Remembering, with envy and regret, the generous abandon of my first few squeezes from this toothpaste tube, as I gamely eke out the final cloggings at the end. When will we learn?
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 6, 2021
In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight
In the jungle the quiet jungle
The lion sleeps tonight pic.twitter.com/0LZRbyPbx3
— trouteyes (@trouteyes) September 1, 2021
Just seen the man from uncle. Or, as I like to call him, my cousin.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) September 7, 2021