25 delightfully covid-free funny tweets from this week
Forget about curfews, tests and masks – just give yourself five minutes’ peace to read some of the funniest tweets from the past week.
Enjoy.
1.
Jurrasic Park passes the Bechdel test because all the dinosaurs are girls and they talk to each other about eating people
— Lauren Schwein (@laurenschwein) September 12, 2020
2.
I always be overthinking these pic.twitter.com/58ZzOKmdkS
— Ｔｒａｆｆｉｃ ｊａｍｍｅｒ (@uwaiis__) September 15, 2020
3.
Startup idea: a Peloton but you can ride it outdoors
— Sheeta Verma 🍂🍁🎃 (@sheetaverma) September 15, 2020
4.
Sometimes I’m kept awake thinking about how Americans call the liquid they put into their cars gas
— steeve again (@steeve_again) September 13, 2020
5.
Captain Hook refuses to sign up for TikTok because it terrifies him
— Michael | Black Lives Matter (@Home_Halfway) September 11, 2020
6.
dad? did you have a podcast? pic.twitter.com/TDuaqRgL4h
— kevin 😎 (@kevinsorboalt) September 15, 2020
7.
i sit with my daughter while she falls asleep and i always whisper “i love you” in her ear as soon as she falls asleep& she says “i love you too” well tonight we had a little argument before she fell asleep i still whispered “i love you” & all she whispered back was “good” LMFAO
— CeciATL (@CeciATL) September 10, 2020
8.
If spiders are more scared of me than I am of them what fuck are they doing in my fucking house?
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) September 13, 2020
9.
this writing lark looks straightforward pic.twitter.com/BLZfSOoE6b
— joe (@mutablejoe) September 16, 2020
10.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) September 16, 2020
11.
Her: What we doing tonight?
Him: Call your mate & tell her to get dolled up.
It's gonna be fucking mental pic.twitter.com/1xL6qpwKpx— joe heenan (@joeheenan) September 14, 2020
12.
Bitter disappointment today. 4 year old thought we were taking a day out to see a zebra for lunch.
We are seeing my friend, Deborah.
— Alexandra Page (@alexandrapage) September 12, 2020
13.
I tried to buy a Nerf gun in France and ended up with eight more than I wanted
— Toby Earle (@TobyonTV) September 14, 2020
14.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) September 17, 2020
15.
In the UK, this show was called CRiSPs pic.twitter.com/EbMrLzS2nz
— Dan McDaid (@danmcdaid) September 13, 2020
16.
[marketing meeting]
Me: shamcum
Board: no
Me: shampiss
Board: no
Me: shamblood
*an hour later*
Me: shampoo
Board: ok yes fine— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 14, 2020
17.
Never have I related more to a biscuit. pic.twitter.com/34H2DMBIt4
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) September 14, 2020
18.
My kids are so well trained. They come straight down for dinner as soon as they hear the smoke alarm.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) September 14, 2020
19.
“Fuck the rules. It’s 1842. I’ll write anything I want to on my house.” pic.twitter.com/HHvUUV79Ks
— Tom Cox (@cox_tom) September 14, 2020
20.
I worry about Steps reforming. These things can escalate.
— Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) September 15, 2020
21.
Fen diagram pic.twitter.com/QoJgNXWhcS
— David M Barnett (@davidmbarnett) September 14, 2020
22.
When I was younger I always wanted to be a web designer, or as we called them back then, a spider.
— Tony Cowards (@TonyCowards) September 13, 2020
23.
I had a goat's cheese sandwich for lunch today. Well, he should have put his name on it.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) September 15, 2020
24.
Huge consignment of tofu coming up the M40 #tofu #trafficnews pic.twitter.com/R11vIrGc86
— Shaun Keaveny (@shaunwkeaveny) September 17, 2020
25.
What if we got rid of Facebook (destructive) and instead just created one big excel sheet with everyone's birthdays (helpful)?
— Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin) September 15, 2020
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The 25 funniest tweets of the week
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