Our 25 favourite funny tweets of the week
Need five minutes in a covid-free joke zone? This is your lucky day – 25 of the funniest tweets the week has brought us, and not a mention of that c word.
1.
Five minutes. Just five minutes alone in a room with the inventor of the modern bicycle pump.
— Hugh Laurie (@hughlaurie) September 2, 2020
2.
Sorry to do this, but here’s another miserable post. pic.twitter.com/jimU1TJgMx
— Tony – Pod Guy – Groves (@Trickstersworld) August 29, 2020
3.
we put a man on the moon and yet we don’t have a smoke detector that will shut off when i yell “i am just cooking u fucking idiot”
— tatum (@50FirstTates) August 31, 2020
4.
The abbreviations for teaspoon and tablespoon are too similar and NOBODY’S TALKING ABOUT IT!!!!
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 30, 2020
5.
Who decided to call it Frozen 2 instead of My So-Cold Life?
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 30, 2020
6.
JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. No-one’s milked a small wizard as much since Debbie Magee.
— Reverend&TheMakers 💙 (@Reverend_Makers) August 29, 2020
7.
September is spider month.
It’s when they all run about trying to fuck each other.
Your home is basically Ibiza for spiders— joe heenan (@joeheenan) September 1, 2020
8.
Just got rejected from a writing job because I have too much experience. I’m so glad all that work I did ‘for the experience’ has paid off and I now have too much experience to do work.
— Tiernan Douieb (@TiernanDouieb) September 1, 2020
9.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
— Das Skoogeth (@Skoog) September 1, 2020
10.
— hiba (@iatemuggles) August 31, 2020
11.
I’ve just had the fright of my life.
I’m sitting having a sandwich on a bench outside Boots and I suppose I was daydreaming a bit, but I was counting my legs and I thought I had 3. 😱
It took me a few seconds to realise the guy next to me had the same trousers and shoes as me.
— rab livingstone (@rablivingstone) September 2, 2020
12.
This is what happens when you name a creature while you’re in a really echoey room. pic.twitter.com/z94G91qXje
— T’Other Simon (@TOther_Simon) August 29, 2020
13.
Thinking about the time that I said that I was distantly related to Marie Curie and a guy explained “It’s pronounced Mariah Carey”
— Eileen Mary O’Connell (@i_Lean) September 1, 2020
