11 of the funniest tweets about living in a pandemic
As sporadic lockdowns break out in various parts of England and the Eat Out To Help Out voucher comes into play, we can’t help feeling there’s a bit of an impasse between “stay home and don’t die” and “smear yourself in Peri-Peri sauce and roll through a pile of fries” – to paraphrase.
These people have been talking about the lack of clarity, and more besides.
Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?
Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*
Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark
Driver: chill the other cars have them on
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) July 15, 2020
When Matt Hancock says everyone knows the rules does he mean if you’ve the virus you may motor half the length of England, relocate to a new address, test your eyes on a 30-mile Barnard Castle drive then feel smug when a partner gives a misleading account? #JustAskingForDominic
— Kevin Maguire (@Kevin_Maguire) July 31, 2020
Me going out in 1990: keys, fags, lighter
Me going out in 2020: keys, phone, face mask, hand gel, Bluetooth headphones, power bar
— Nick Mao (@NickLMao1) July 31, 2020
Covid is stored in the Balsonaro
— Lawn Destroyer (@Lawn_Destroyer) July 30, 2020
Once again the government faces the problem of telling people to stay in one place when they spent weeks telling them it's fine to fuck off to Barnard Castle if you fancy a quick eye exam but aren't a huge fan of Boots
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 31, 2020
*Earth sitting down with England and America*
"You see New Zealand out there? They get to go play outside and have fun. Do you know why?"
"Because they weren't twats about it"
"And what did you guys do?"
"We were twats about it"
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) July 31, 2020
New local lockdown rules from the government
You can drink cider with a goth in a graveyard but only on Cher's birthday.
Space hoppers will now be the only transport.
Wotsits are illegal.
You can dress a Badger up as a Viking on Tuesdays.
You MUST play the piano with your feet.
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) July 31, 2020
Parents in Scotland asking, “will you be sending your kids back to school with the virus still around?”
I’ve been stuck with them for 17 weeks. I’d be sending them back even if their teacher was the monkey from Outbreak.
— Mark Nelson (@marknelsoncomic) July 30, 2020
Matt Hancock delivering another COVID solution pic.twitter.com/kQCSb4aQJD
— mnrrntt2 and 40 others (@mnrrntt) July 30, 2020
JESUS WHO THIS CHRIST DESIGNED MESS pic.twitter.com/yRK3kPgCUB
— dan hett (@danhett) August 1, 2020
— J. (@jaytothelo) July 31, 2020
Journalist and comedian, Ben Turner, hilariously illustrated one difficulty as shielding is suspended and more workplaces open.
— Ben Turner Comedian (@benturnercomedy) August 3, 2020
What an idiot – no mask.