Our 25 favourite funny tweets from the last week
We’ve scoured Twitter to find things to entertain you, with the single rule that they couldn’t be about viruses, pandemics or face masks of any sort, and this is what we found.
Claim yourself a seat and enjoy five minutes’ peace.
1.
If that’s how we’re pronouncing Sean Bean how the HELL are we saying meal deal?
— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) July 14, 2020
2.
Initially I just read the bit in bold and thought that Asda were holding a contest with a VERY special prize. pic.twitter.com/ttSWXuHYMZ
— T'Other Simon (@TOther_Simon) July 14, 2020
3.
When a video pops up on YouTube & you have to explain to your kids why grandma was married to Eddie Murphy in ancient Egypt. 😂 @The_Real_IMAN pic.twitter.com/L5VasTjlzh
— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) July 13, 2020
4.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 14, 2020
5.
I was in the back garden & looked up at the bedroom window.
I saw a small boy looking at me, he smiled & waved.
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered I have a 4 year old son & it was probably him— joe heenan (@joeheenan) July 15, 2020
6.
just read an article that said stray dogs will "elect" the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
— tatum (@50FirstTates) July 13, 2020
7.
they put u to sleep during surgery bc the government doesn’t want u to know that ur actually a cake
— asiya (@ossiyuh) July 12, 2020
8.
There is a joke circulating in the commonwealth:
"What borders on stupidity?"
"Scotland and Wales!"— Pranay Manocha (@PranMan) July 12, 2020
9.
If you can’t don't have time to watch a scary film but want to get a quick hit of that thrilling feeling, why not stare yourself straight in the mirror while you floss your teeth. There, my friend, you will find the cold eyes of a murderer who will follow you your whole life.
— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) July 15, 2020
10.
me trying to find out if im a cake too pic.twitter.com/GIIoz6nYej
— jay (@yajpeg) July 10, 2020
11.
imagine how different your life would be if they'd built this city on 16th century Gregorian chants.
— Ditz McGee 🇨🇦 (@DitzMcGeee) July 10, 2020
12.
My son came and got me, saying there was a serious leak under the kitchen sink. pic.twitter.com/OEqnR1McJ6
— Tenessa Gemelke (@gemelket) July 14, 2020
