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News in brief: a lighthearted look at the week’s top stories

Oonagh Keating. Updated July 9th, 2020

Do you want to know what’s going been on in the news this week, but without the hassle of trawling through all the websites?

Would you prefer your information to come with bonus funny tweets?

If you answered “yes” to both of those, this is the round-up for you.

Pubs re-opened in England

After hastily deleting what looked like an advert for Club Tropicana encouraging the public to go to the pub, the government warned us not to overdo it, upholding its proud tradition of clear and consistent advice on the coronavirus.

Pub-goers must maintain social distancing, remain seated, order via an app, pay with a card and provide their name and contact details.

“Alexa, describe what would happen if Jacob Rees-Mogg held a Tupperware party.”

The UK Arts sector to get £1.57 billion boost

After lobbying by industry insiders and punters, the Treasury caved and announced a rescue package for the beleaguered Performing Arts sector.

The relief flooding the 70+ theatres already on the brink of closure was perfectly offset by the disappointment of Tim Martin who had been choosing names for 70+ new branches of Wetherspoons.

Free hospital parking scheme for NHS staff to end

Despite protests from the public and prominent media personalities, the government remains determined to end its emergency free parking scheme for NHS workers.

It’s just as well there isn’t a free parking permit scheme for MPs at Westminster or people might think they were hypocrites.

via Gfycat

Leaked letter from International Trade Secretary exposes Brexit border doubts

Liz Truss has written to the PM suggesting that ports won’t be ready for Brexit and that the UK’s plans not only risk a rise in smuggling, but could also face a legal challenge from the WTO.

Who could have guessed that the same people who paid £14 million to a ferry company with no ferries and realised the importance of Dover two years after the Brexit vote would mess this up?

Rishi Sunak announces Eat Out to Help Out voucher giveaway

In his mini budget, the Chancellor shared details of a scheme to get people back into restaurants and cafes – a voucher worth up to £10 off.

When Boris Johnson said he would introduce a new deal, we didn’t realise he meant a meal deal. Don’t blow it all in one shop.

Donald Trump “open to meeting” with Kim Jong-un

If you had “On-again-off-again bromance between ‘Little Rocket Man’ and ‘Mentally Deranged U.S. Dotard’ back on again” on your 2020 bingo card, you could be in luck, as Trump – if not Kim – says he’s up for it.

Definitely not a ploy to distract attention from America’s 134k coronavirus deaths, his plummeting polls or the fact that his niece grassed him up for cheating on his SATs.

Dominic Cummings to overhaul UK defence system

Number 10’s top Special Adviser – so special he can drive whilst blind and get away with it – is to tour top secret military facilities ahead of a review of the system.

His extensive experience of *checks notes* failing to set up a Russian airline and running the Brexit campaign which was shown to have been influenced by *checks notes again* Russia make him ideally suited to fiddle with the mechanisms that protect the country from attack by *throws notes into a bin and sets them alight* Russia.

And finally …

Kanye West announces bid for presidency in 2020

The rapper and former Trump advocate has announced he will run against Donald Trump and Joe Biden with the support of Kim Kardashian and Elon Musk, under the banner of The Birthday Party.

Satire is dead.

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Image Screengrab @jonathanborba on Unsplash