Simply 25 of the funniest things we’ve seen on Twitter this week
Who’s got plans for the bank holiday weekend? A quick trip to the lakes? Wrestling strangers for the last deck chair on the beach? Licking all the trolley handles at Tesco?
Instead of that, why not stay home, watch some films and don’t kill your granny? To kick off the festivities, here are some virus-free funny things from Twitter.
You too can have a six-figure salary with this one simple trick:
Include the numbers after the decimal point
— Holly Brockwell (@holly) May 17, 2020
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) May 16, 2020
Lambasted (n): sheep born out of wedlock.
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) May 17, 2020
lots of people think helicopter is made up of 'heli' and 'copter' but in fact it's from the greek 'helico' ('whirly') and 'pter' ('bastard')
— joe (@mutablejoe) May 17, 2020
For lunch I'm having smashed avocado on sourdough bread and a wheatgrass smoothie pic.twitter.com/ELI16Orluz
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 19, 2020
Don’t even TALK to me until I’ve had my coffee, piece of toast, cup of tea, been for a run, showered, done some work, had lunch, done some more work, had dinner, gone to sleep
— Annie McGrath (@AnnieMcTweet) May 18, 2020
Thought she was levitating…🤔 pic.twitter.com/g7PRtNDZZy
— 🤣 The Dad Joke Man 😉 (@DadJokeMan) May 17, 2020
Mistakes were made. pic.twitter.com/NhVUhEhwVx
— Wokescold! The Musical (@underhandrea) May 17, 2020
"hahahaha" – I'm in love with you
"hahaha" – I'm trying to flirt
"haha" – please stop texting me
"ha" – I didn't read your message or anything you’ve ever written
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) May 17, 2020
When you order your girlfriend a personalised gin glass and get the option to add a note…… pic.twitter.com/xu1CZ7dwfy
— JillyWig (@WrongJill) May 18, 2020
good morning to everyone except my boyfriend, who didn’t consult me before he used washing up liquid in lieu of dishwasher tablets last night pic.twitter.com/7LqvOTEhYa
— Abby Tomlinson (@twcuddleston) May 19, 2020
"Experts", am I right? One day they'll say it's "Monday" but the next, they'll say it's "Tuesday". It's like what they're telling us just changes from day to day.
— Ed Yong (@edyong209) May 19, 2020