Laughter won’t kill coronavirus but it’s a good excuse for peeing yourself – 21 favourite jokes
So …it’s finally happened – that thing that Piers Morgan has been clamouring for, but poorer people have been dreading. Yes, they’ve closed Greggs.
To be fair, people aren’t allowed out unless it’s for something essential, and we’re not sure that either a steak bake or a vegan sausage roll fit the bill.
In other coronavirus news …
1.
Trying to explain fractions to my youngest son. Doing my best not to explain it in terms of how much less I love him with every passing moment.
— Ed Byrne (@MrEdByrne) March 23, 2020
2.
I’m doing comedy gigs to the family at the moment. Really tough crowds, ‘Whats your name and what do you do?’ ‘I’m your wife and I do fucking everything’. #COVIDー19 #UKlockdown #StayHomeSaveLives
— Hal Cruttenden (@Halcruttenden) March 23, 2020
3.
A teardrop tattoo means you killed someone in prison. A toilet paper tattoo means you killed someone in a Costco.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 21, 2020
4.
Old people are cutting about Glasgow like they've formed a search party to go and look for the Coronavirus
— Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) March 20, 2020
5.
This is like when it’s nearly the end of your shift and you shrug and say “Can’t help you mate, I’ll pass it over to my boss though.” pic.twitter.com/VpMrWDleOV
— Chris 🎬 (@illucifer) March 20, 2020
6.
Massive respect to my co-worker who dialled in to a video call smartly dressed with a nice shirt and well chosen tie then walked off mid conversation to get rid of his dog revealing he was naked from the waist down
— (@Luke_who_) March 23, 2020
7.
This is one fucking elaborate launch strategy for Disney+ in the UK.
— Ross Maclean (@ross_maclean) March 23, 2020
8.
Quarantine routine: I just want to share what works for me. To give structure and a sense of stability
9 am – look at my phone from bed
12pm: breakfast
12.30: look at my phone on the couch
8pm: dinner
9pm: watch Tv & look at my phone
12: go to bed & look at my phone in the dark— Emilie Zoey Baker (@easybee) March 21, 2020
9.
Things you can do while social distancing:
– Self-reflect
– Keep a journal
– Study the wallpaper
– Creep around
– Inch ever closer to madness due to the oppressive nature of 19th-century gender roles— SparkNotes (@SparkNotes) March 20, 2020
10.
Day 4 of not going out. I blame Lee Mack. He made it look much more fun than this.
— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) March 20, 2020
11.
For the average American the best way to tell if you have covid-19 is to cough in a rich person’s face and wait for their test results
— Harry Moroz (@hrmoroz) March 20, 2020
