Our 25 favourite funny tweets from this week
If we’re not mistaken, this has been the longest week since records began, at least it felt like it.
As parents gear up for prolonged homeschooling by googling “long division” and “oxbow lakes”, we strongly recommend they hang onto their sense of humour.
These 25 things might just help with that.
1.
Find someone who loves you the way Dennis Waterman pats that Ford Capri in the credits to Minder.
— rufus jones (@rufusjones1) March 14, 2020
2.
A good thing about the napkin holder is it lets you take out your preferred number of napkins providing you want either 800 napkins or a 3cm shard of a napkin.
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) March 13, 2020
3.
On is ay 2013: The dea o ome ian Nor Coll est in Peace. pic.twitter.com/XwwwxjTNs6
— Balderdash (@notDcfcBoss) March 14, 2020
4.
the hanks family are a compelling case study for nominative determinism.
if you call your kid colin, you’re getting a colin. and if you call your kid chet, you’re getting a chet. pic.twitter.com/VAJ10htmaW
— Daisy Bard (@DaisyBard) March 13, 2020
5.
Rest of the world: a single tap which mixes hot and cold water
UK: what about one freezing cold water tap and one scalding hot water tap? And a sign saying "caution – hot water"?
— Pessimus Prime – Professional Soya Milk Drinker (@BigJDubz) March 16, 2020
6.
“Hey Evelyn, who shall I get to do the window display?”
“How about the new guy?”
“The Boston Butcher? …but, hasn’t he just escaped from the prison for the criminally insane?”
“Everyone deserves a second chance, Gary.”
“…” pic.twitter.com/toXpD121Ng
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) March 16, 2020
7.
I hate it when someone’s told a duck your secret. pic.twitter.com/2ga7nIfEoj
— Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) March 16, 2020
8.
The hardest tongue twister is 'she sells seashells by the seashore' because you're also wondering why the fuck would she sell them there.
— Ian Power (@IHPower) March 17, 2020
9.
I once met Lemmy. "Are you scared of anything?" I asked him. "Nothing," he said. "Oh. Maybe snakes. It's because they've got no shoulders."
— Tom Cox (@cox_tom) March 20, 2020
10.
When the Archbishop of Canterbury told friends he wanted to be an Anglican bishop because he loved the hats it earned him the nickname ‘Mitres’ Welby.
This isn’t true, but might as well be.
— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) March 19, 2020
11.
me listening to two people talk outside my apartment then hearing a third join them pic.twitter.com/B2MIrlWqL5
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) March 19, 2020
12.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
— .Mela. (@mela_shea) March 16, 2020
