The rules for joining this 5-a-side football team went viral because they are hilariously OTT
It’s not the physical activity that stops us doing more sport these days – well, it is a bit – but it’s also all the nonsense that tends to come with joining a football or cricket (or golf!) club.
The rules and regulations, the politics, all that kinda stuff. And it doesn’t get more nonsensical than this.
A chap called Martin over on Twitter enquired about joining a 5-a-side football team and was so amazed by the 14-page book of rules and regulations that came with it he felt compelled to share it with the rest of the world.
Thread:
I recently enquired to a football team, bit of 5-a-side fun. What I got in response is biblical.
A 14 page club guide. One four. For a 5-a-side team. Within it it absolute footballing gold, the highlights of which I am now going to share with you…..
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
This 5-a-side team has a 'Director of Football'. This should have been enough to make me stop reading on Page 1, but I carried on….. pic.twitter.com/4zDOypYXkv
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
"punished until they do"
Not sure if I'd be joining a football team or ISIS. pic.twitter.com/RbbSpJp3e6
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
A 3 week ban because I didn't read the 14 page handbook properly?! Fuck me, Son got less for kicking a man in the chest pic.twitter.com/0aXOSoJgOR
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
A 3 week ban is also coming your way if you have the audacity to reply to a text the following day. Racking up those suspensions. pic.twitter.com/RYiPtt68hY
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Three more weeks if you engage in chit chat pic.twitter.com/sjxWyAstwW
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Haven't read the messages? The Gestapo administrator is going to SPOT CHECK YOU and then…..yep, three week ban my friend pic.twitter.com/aInK4CevbL
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Wife died in a car accident did she and you can't make the game? That's a THIRTY TWO WEEKS BAN! pic.twitter.com/kc4IppvYt5
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Decided to go for a meal because you were only a reserve that week? You can do it for the next three weeks too mate, as that's how long your ban will be! pic.twitter.com/kWCYIAjIu9
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
You might be playing at a standard that uses red & blue bibs, but my lord you'd better believe there are the chosen ones who are the "wise footballers among us" pic.twitter.com/jeNgIspZpw
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Seven minutes. Not six, and certainly not eight. Probably get three weeks out for that pic.twitter.com/TLk5JyOGIe
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Got stuck in traffic? You don't understand the importance of tactics. Three week ban! pic.twitter.com/IpQ3NEE9pL
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Excessive foul language is "encouraged"?! pic.twitter.com/xnmrP74uAr
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
However, don't be overly competitive or you can be under competitive for……you guessed it, three weeks! pic.twitter.com/5ie0guz30L
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Despite excessive foul language being actively encouraged, you'll also find yourself sitting out for…..three weeks pic.twitter.com/E00WWrSggq
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Think your captain talks shit? That's three weeks for you. pic.twitter.com/FcJsjZAo5g
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
Wearing a scarf during a team talk? Understandably punishable by a three week suspension pic.twitter.com/wJaOMSh2OX
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
29 minutes past the hour, 32 minutes past the hour.
No earlier, no later. pic.twitter.com/jw9duKgnNG
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
You'll be issued with an ID. A simple system, right? Wrong! pic.twitter.com/ts3EeThtdQ
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
In a bizarre plot twist, it turns out you can bet on the games you're playing in. Pretty sure that contravenes FA regulations. pic.twitter.com/OYVcrqt6U3
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
So, all things considered, I think I might skip over this team. Either that or join them and see if I can achieve the 32 week ban.
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
I forgot about the survey to fill in if you want to join!
"how many keepy uppies can you do with 3 attempts in the back garden"
Ffs, I'm done pic.twitter.com/RDUyMcd4T3
— Martin (@NewAgeBoxingUK) 9 January 2020
And it’s fair to say it went viral, wildly viral.
Early contender for best Twitter thread 2020. This is absolutely superb!
— Dan Glozier (@DanGlozier) 9 January 2020
The director of football, got me. Manchester United don’t have one but this 5 a side team does. That shows ambition
— Marley Worth (@MarleyWiggan) 9 January 2020
This is incredible https://t.co/ZKKfkvrDKw
— PyrionFlax (@PyrionFlax) January 10, 2020
Not everyone believed it was true but it was still very funny and entirely relatable.
Please tell me this is real. It’s utterly nuts. https://t.co/tbr9nb6Q50
— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) January 10, 2020
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You won’t see a worse (or more comical) 19 seconds of football all season
Source Twitter @NewAgeBoxingUK Image Pixabay
