Simply 93 very funny tweets to make your day better
48.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
— Katie (@good_one_rick) May 11, 2019
49.
As a little girl everyone said I couldn’t be the Pope, but here I am judging the shit out of everyone wearing a dope as fuck hat.
— optimism survivor (@abraveturtle) May 20, 2019
50.
I remeber my 1970’s Celebrities in a similar fashion to Henry VIII’s wives:
“Nonce, Racist, Died, Nonce, Racist, Alive”
— Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) May 30, 2019
51.
Michael Gove looks like that woman Janet who lives across the street and reported you for watering your garden during the hosepipe ban ‘for your own good’ pic.twitter.com/ninfVnsozf
— Alexandra Haddow (@MissAHaddow) May 31, 2019
52.
Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting “here”
— joven (@youngandjoven) June 3, 2019
53.
People call millennials snowflakes, but have they ever met a printer? “Ooh my ink’s a bit low” “Ooh my paper’s slightly out of alignment” “Ooh I don’t like the look of that driver”
— Holly Brockwell (@holly) June 6, 2019
54.
Friend: You should lie on your résumé. Everyone else does.
*later*
Job interviewer: Who’s Garry?
Me: An old school friend of mine. Why?
Job interviewer: Because it says on here that he invented gravy.
— Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) June 10, 2019
55.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) June 13, 2019
56.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) June 7, 2019
57.
There’s a new TK Maxx on Oxford Street. Sixty sheets gets you a Royal Doulton statuette of Duchess Kate, that ghost boy, and tiny David Walliams pic.twitter.com/v1x5yxS3nz
— Alistair Coleman (@alistaircoleman) June 17, 2019
58.
When you pop into Aldi for a pint of milk but come out after having a quick look at the middle aisle. pic.twitter.com/6moNB6j9gW
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 20, 2019
59.
Personally feel not enough hospitals are named after sandwiches. pic.twitter.com/CH3C1htL4I
— Adam Macqueen (@adam_macqueen) June 18, 2019
60.
Was adamant that my kitchen was on the tele in the adverts just now. It frightened me because I could see myself just sat in a pair of tracksuit bottoms and I panicked. It was just a really dark advert and the reflection. I need to sort my life out.
— Rylan Clark-Neal (@Rylan) June 27, 2019
61.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) June 26, 2019
62.
[ouija board]
“Is that you grandma?”
*GLASS SPELLS OUT:* “YES IT IS AND THANK YOU FOR THAT BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUT ON FACEBOOK”— Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳️🌈 (@craiguito) June 29, 2019
63.
When you set up the new shredder at work (because you broke the last one) but then realise someone’s bought the one that doesn’t shred gingerbread men. pic.twitter.com/BJxhtkV5GM
— Sheena (@sarky_sheena) June 21, 2019
64.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
— Nathalie Antonia! (@natsantonia) November 11, 2019
65.
boss: can I see you in my office
me: [printing out every google image search result for “dog wizard”] busy
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) July 11, 2019
66.
“On the day, Novak was simply too good, able, proficient, adept, fine, accomplished, seasoned, skilful, adroit and gifted.” – Roget Federer
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) July 14, 2019
67.
OK EVERYONE SHUT UP. I’M STILL FINISHING THE LAST SEASON. NO SPOILERS. pic.twitter.com/fTZbHylZqb
— Bec Hill (Adult Tooth Fairy) (@bechillcomedian) July 21, 2019
68.
50 years ago three men chisseled their names into the world’s consciousness: Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and the other one.
— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) July 21, 2019
69.
More rules from the snowflake generation pic.twitter.com/w5ipAUkuvL
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) July 27, 2019
70.
I’m round Alanis Morissette’s flat. When will she learn. pic.twitter.com/B65dA83fTX
— Simon Caine (@thismademecool) July 30, 2019
71.
Accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps!— @nd®é™ 🙄 (@AndreTheViking) July 28, 2019
72.
All I want from food writing is a well-written description of the dish and a recipe that works. I couldn’t give a shit if this was the first pie you made after your nan died and that you cried crimping the edges. Pull yourself together and tell me what size tin I need.
— Red Sky At Night (@redskyatnight) August 1, 2019
73.
From Ocado magazine. You know, for those times when you have leftover gooseberry ketchup and fancy a really weird pizza pic.twitter.com/PKcMpJS4qi
— Michael Ho-Ho-Hogan (@michaelhogan) August 6, 2019
74.
Every guy named Tristan is actually just three guys named Stan standing on top of each other wearing a trench coat.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) August 8, 2019
75.
Did you know that Les Miserables isn’t actually a musical? It’s a play about French people who sing all the time.
— Matt Lucas (@RealMattLucas) August 14, 2019
76.
My local fishmongers has this outside the shop to get us to, I suppose, buy more fish? Does anyone know what type of fish it is so I can ask for it when I go in and don’t look foolish? pic.twitter.com/5zDE6NFe2Z
— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) August 15, 2019
77.
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 16, 2019
78.
the price of my gym membership is just the fine I pay for never working out
— ErBear (@Rica_Bee) August 31, 2019
79.
I just realized that the word “Dorito” implies the existence of a larger, adulter, possibly more delicious “Doro”
— Maya Shwayder (@MayaErgas) November 7, 2019
80.
Dr. Seuss now lead headline writer for the Standard. pic.twitter.com/YmatIoOiVo
— Chris Addison (@mrchrisaddison) September 5, 2019
81.
Gamers in the 90s: Wow, everything in this game looks so real!
The game: pic.twitter.com/njRKRYVG7R
— Swati Tyagi (@swatyagi) September 8, 2019
82.
I thought my mouth had shrunk but it turns out I was just trying to eat cereal with a serving spoon
— Grace Petrie 🌹 Vote Labour (@gracepetrie) September 16, 2019
83.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) September 17, 2019
84.
ME: *giggling, putting feet in stirrups* So doctor, did you ever try and count how many vaginas you’ve seen?
OPTOMETRIST: Yours is the fourth, ma’am. Please read the top line
— chloe the siren (@chloethesiren) September 26, 2019
85.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) October 31, 2019
86.
It’s weird how “earth” and “soil” are synonyms, yet when you’re working with electricity it’s only “earthing” yourself that will help.
— Ed Morrish (@edmorrish) September 24, 2019
87.
*sigh*
it’s called fashion Karen, look it up pic.twitter.com/y7p5O0FtnM— AKADave 🍷(not a guy) (@Dahmerscookpot) October 4, 2019
88.
I yelled ‘hold the lift please!’ earlier whilst on the phone, running in heels and carrying a take-out coffee. Cannot believe I am a busy exec in a Hallmark movie whose life is about to be turned upside down by inheriting a B&B in the countryside!!!
— Juliet Mushens (@mushenska) October 2, 2019
89.
If we ever get rid of the British monarchy, Buckingham palace would make a SICK Spoons
— Rowan Rebecca (@rowanrebecca) October 13, 2019
90.
Sainsbury’s:
I’m ever so sorry, we still don’t have contactless we are working on it I swearTesco:
Not a big fan of the Gregorian calendar, fuck you Matthew learn how to read the Julian pic.twitter.com/sjr4XSIGob— James Felton (@JimMFelton) June 25, 2019
91.
3 CHANGES I’D MAKE TO THE HUMAN BODY:
1. Merge the 2 ears into a double ear on one side of the head and call it a “Listener”. “Talk into my Listener” you’d say
2. Shrink size of the Listener by 50% so it looks nice
3. Add a 2nd Listener on the other side of the head for symmetry— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) November 6, 2019
92.
I, embarrassingly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ends, but I’ve learned and moved on. Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son Judas and read about how things work out for this Jesus feller
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) November 4, 2019
93.
A profoundly cursed headline pic.twitter.com/j9csYqAbsv
— Laura Snapes (@laurasnapes) November 29, 2019
Source Twitter Image Twitter, Alexander Isreb on Pexels
