25 funny things to take your mind off the news
13.
sex so bad they kick you out of the mcdonald's bathroom and revoke your employee of the month status
— listen to rudolph 👂🏻🎄 (@suzannemariedo) December 12, 2019
14.
I bet the Peloton adverts just turn out to be an episode of ‘Black Mirror’
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) December 8, 2019
15.
Only one of these things won’t happen again this decade:
* The month, day, hour and minute all being 12.
* Me banging your dad.— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) December 12, 2019
16.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “FATHER”
me: can i get a definition
judge: formal name for what ur mom called me last night
— corri (@itcorru) December 10, 2019
17.
How to leave a family party at 10pm:
1. Start saying your goodbyes at 7pm
2.
3.
4.
5.— Michael Does Tweet 🌶 (@Home_Halfway) December 11, 2019
18.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) December 12, 2019
19.
me: (reading the paper in bed)
personal column: i like pina coladas
me: thats so hot i have to leave my wife
— phil (@PhilJamesson) December 10, 2019
20.
BUSINESS IDEA:
Touch-screen gloves that actually work
— batkaren (@batkaren) December 12, 2019
21.
Just heading down to Waterloo Bridge, lads. No reason. pic.twitter.com/mwWtc4WHZ2
— Angry People in Local Newspapers (@angrypiln) December 13, 2019
22.
Brain: I will now type the word "the"
Fingers: teh
Brain: ugh, delete
Fingers: te|
Brain: one more
Finger: t|
Brain: the
Fingers teh— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) November 5, 2019
23.
[first day as police sketch artist]
Her: he was about 6’ 7”
Me: ok we’ll I’m going to need more paper
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) December 8, 2019
24.
ME: i’m only afraid of spiders and ghosts
HIM: i killed it babe 🙂
ME: ᴳʰᵒˢᵗ ˢᵖᶦᵈᵉʳ
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) December 8, 2019
25.
Disney’s ‘Lady & The Tramp’ sets dangerous expectations of how romantically a stray dog will let you share spaghetti
— Ben (@0point5twins) December 4, 2019
Image YouTube
