The 25 funniest jokes and pics from this week
13.
teacher: your daughter is failing astronomy
me: fucking scorpio
— corri (@itcorru) December 4, 2019
14.
It's a good thing we named most of the dinosaurs like a hundred years ago when all we were into was mythology and speaking Latin, if they just learned about dinosaurs now and had to name 100s there'd be a Heckin Chonkosaurus and a Northern Thicc Scaleyboy
— ℳatt (@matttomic) December 3, 2019
15.
I haven’t had a Facebook notification that I’ve actually wanted for 14 years
— Tom Cullen (@TomCullen) December 3, 2019
16.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of coke for £2
— Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳️🌈 (@craiguito) December 4, 2019
17.
the golden ten minutes in the morning when I have not made any new mistakes yet and also not woken up enough to remember yesterday's errors pic.twitter.com/EZCBZ0FwTy
— joe (@mutablejoe) December 4, 2019
18.
20’s me: let’s bungee jump off an overpass
40’s me: i don’t like to drive in the dark
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) December 4, 2019
19.
“Hallelujah” is a beautiful, haunting song about how the conflicting emotions of receiving sexual attention you feel unworthy of, be it because you’re old and have hurt your ex wife (Leonard Cohen), you’re hot but have low libido from SSRI (Jeff Buckley), or because you’re Shrek
— McKinsey Foucault (@neoliberal_dad) December 1, 2019
20.
Found your dads medicines pic.twitter.com/cNO8ycx36R
— Wulfballs (@BlogClairys) November 30, 2019
21.
WIFE: What do you want for dinner?
ME: Surprise me
WIFE: I once gave a dolphin a handjob
ME: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza— mo (@chuuew) December 5, 2019
22.
everyone: make better products
phone companies: ok
computer companies: ok
printer companies: heres an idea how about you go fuck yourself
— randy (@leakypod) December 5, 2019
23.
me: my weaknesses?? ha, oh god, I’d have to say I’m a perfectionist and if anything I try *too* hard
them: mollie, this is a GP appointment
me: but if I’m here….who is at my job interview???
my GP: mollie
me: ….
me: my shoulder hurts when I do this
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) December 6, 2019
24.
Willing to fight anyone who wears a full back pack on the tube at any weight class
— Tom Usher (@tom_usher_) December 6, 2019
25.
Waiter: "I'll come by later then." pic.twitter.com/coJByDahps
— Juul e Laal (@antifatwa) December 6, 2019
