25 of our favourite funny things from this week
The election campaigns have kicked off in earnest, so the internet is awash with gaffes, scandals and lies – not a lot different to any other time, really. Just because we have rolling political news all day long, doesn’t mean we can’t take a break for a non-electoral laugh – in fact we should do that; we owe it to ourselves.
Luckily, these 25 funny people have given us the material we need to do just that.
3 CHANGES I'D MAKE TO THE HUMAN BODY:
1. Merge the 2 ears into a double ear on one side of the head and call it a “Listener”. “Talk into my Listener” you'd say
2. Shrink size of the Listener by 50% so it looks nice
3. Add a 2nd Listener on the other side of the head for symmetry
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) November 6, 2019
This chicken looks like it made a citizen’s arrest and is waiting for the cops to show up pic.twitter.com/zelf1leCPG
— Ash Warner (@AlsBoy) November 5, 2019
Woah, we’re half way there.
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) November 3, 2019
I, embarrassingly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ends, but I've learned and moved on. Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son Judas and read about how things work out for this Jesus feller
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) November 4, 2019
If Romeo and Juliet was a true story, the Verona tourist board would put a plaque on both their houses.
— COMEDY PHIL (@philswales) November 5, 2019
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.” pic.twitter.com/EVcScBbUPB
— The Personification of Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) November 6, 2019
Firefighter: We were unable to recover your belongings from the wreckage
Me: so the novel I've spent YEARS on has just gone??!
Firefighter: I'm sorry
Me *runs hands through hair* I don't think I have the energy to start reading a different book
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 3, 2019
Ah, people who pointedly mention delivery mechanisms to make mundane acts sound modern and glamorous.
"I got an Uber" = you called an exploitatively cheap minicab
"We got a Deliveroo" = you ordered pizza, pal
"I'm in an Airbnb" = you're in a holiday rental, shut up
— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) November 4, 2019
Martin Scorsese doesn’t like some films! Insane! I love every single film! Every film is so good! 5 stars! He’s lying if he says he doesn’t like some films!
— Jamie Demetriou (@JamieTonight) November 5, 2019
I just oficially withdrew the US from the Paris Climate Agreement. Nobody even knew what was in it! 25 pages long!! With words on EVERY page! Too many words to read! And why name it after Paris Hilton? Makes NO sense! She's HOT, but totally clueless about controlling the weather!
— Donald J. Trump ᵖᵃʳᵒᵈʸ (@realDonaldTrFan) November 4, 2019
A bloke slid into my DM’s on Instagram to tell me he imagined I had “an amazing bum hole” and now I’m wondering if I made the right decision settling down.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) November 5, 2019
Kim Jong-Un arrives at the Palace Of Decadent Music in Pyongyang for a performance of his new album, 'Born In The DMZ'. pic.twitter.com/8RKMUC5smh
— Davey Six-Toes (@HutchinsonDave) November 5, 2019