The types of colleagues you’ll usually find if you work in an office

If you work in an office, then it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’re going to have colleagues. What’s also pretty much guaranteed is the type of colleagues you’ll have. For some reason, no matter what sort of office you work in, you will find some of these people.

The Slacker

First of all there’s the slacker. They try to do as little work as possible and have a constant stream of excuses as to why they can’t work late, need more time off or are going to miss a deadline. Each excuse is more elaborate than the last. They’ve had cholera, the bubonic plague and mad cow disease, all in the last 6 months, and their grandad must have more lives than a cat as they’ve been to his funeral on 10 different occasions so far. They also take a 40 minute poo break every day. 

The Health Obsessive

Next up is that one who is obsessed with their health. Their desk is covered in natural remedies for any ailment and they spend their lunch hour browsing the local Holland and Barrett. They have a weird obsession with kale.

The Over-Sharer

The over-sharer has no filter when it comes to office chat and will quite happily announce to everyone at the Monday morning meeting that they tried a great new sex position at the weekend and then ask if anyone wants to see the weird growth on their left bum cheek.  

The Food Obsessive

You’re convinced that the food obsessive has worms as all they do all day is eat. They have to go out and buy their lunch every day as the one they bring from home they’ve eaten by 10am. Their desk drawers are full of snacks and they have alerts set up on their computer for the birthday dates of colleagues as they know there will probably be cakes brought in on those days and don’t want to risk missing out.

The Exercise Enthusiast

There’s usually always an exercise enthusiast. They either cycle or run to and from work and use their lunch hour to go to some extreme exercise class, which sounds like a form of torture. When it’s their turn to make the tea they do buttock clenches whilst they’re waiting for the kettle to boil. That weird smell that lingers round the office is the spare pair of trainers they keep under their desk. 

The Noise Nuisance

The noise nuisance appears to be physically incapable of doing anything quietly. They eat loudly. They talk on the phone loudly. They even breathe loudly. They always sing along, loudly of course, to the radio, even when they don’t actually know the lyrics to the song.

The Buzzword Fanatic

The buzzword fanatic likes to sling corporate jargon into every sentence. Most of which you’re pretty sure they’ve made up. You can usually only understand about a third of what they say but every time they say they’ll ping you an email, you just want to launch a stapler at their head.  

The Office Prankster

If you’re unlucky, there will be an office prankster. The rest of the office know them as the office wanker. They gave themselves the prankster role and it involves ‘jokes’ that absolutely no-one else finds in the least bit funny. They very rarely get invited out for drinks after work.

The Absolute Bloody Nightmare

Then you’ve got the absolute bloody nightmare. They’re always ‘borrowing’ stuff, like a charger or a pair of headphones or that yoghurt in the fridge with Susan the receptionist’s name on it, but then rarely (never) bother to return them. They sneakily make a cup of tea just for themselves and conveniently never have any cash on them whenever there’s a collection for someone. They use the communal microwave to heat up their repellant smelling lunches and then leave their dirty plate in the sink for someone else to wash up. They’re basically an absolute knobber.