25 very funny posts from the last week
We almost feel bad posting something that isn’t about Coleen Rooney, but for those willing to tear themselves away from the ever-growing WAG drama that’s probably a viral ad campaign for a reality show, these 25 funny things are well worth the effort.
Someone talking about their dog:
"Oh he's a beautiful Cockapoo, we had to meet his parents first to make sure he had the right temperament"
Someone talking about their cat:
"He's an asshole, he's black and white, we found him in a bin."
— ChrisPianity (@ChrisPurchase) October 10, 2019
computer: enter password
computer: password weak
all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying
— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) October 7, 2019
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
— (@beerknitter73) October 10, 2019
I was recently accused of posting a long series of tweets about I'm Too Sexy, Deeply Dippy and other songs, but I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.
— David Quantick (@quantick) October 9, 2019
if my body is a temple it needs better security because a hot pocket got in after midnight last night and fucked the place up
— Haunted Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) October 4, 2019
"we have guests, go get the fancy cups". pic.twitter.com/GycVtCzwk1
— chels (@_c_hels) October 6, 2019
you know how UK fashion brands sell t-shirts with like “chicago” and “phoenix” and “ ILLINOIS” printed on them do you reckon US brands sell clothes with like “W I G A N” and “” on or what
— megan (@meganrooke_) October 8, 2019
If you want to understand Britain you should be aware that we invented a condiment featuring a delicate, tangy, sweetly sharp blend of tomatoes, molasses, dates, apples, tamarind, spices, vinegar and raisins and gave it the name “brown sauce”
— Al Kennedy (@housetoastonish) October 5, 2019
Cute animal rhymes to say farewell:
8. In a while, crocodile
7. Toodle loo, kangaroo
6. Ciao for now, jersey cow
5. Why you still here, white-tailed deer
4. Just piss off, gypsy moth
3. Go to hell, red gazelle
2. Kiss my hole, woodland vole
1. Off you fuck, crested duck
— Adam Sharp (@AdamCSharp) October 7, 2019
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
— źach (@zachsilberberg) October 9, 2019
I saw a smorgasbord today that WASN’T VERITABLE
— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) October 9, 2019
Tip: When making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
— /dan/null (@NoTalentAC) October 8, 2019