You need to read this thread about a terrible gig – so you can rejoice at not being there
If you cast your mind back, you may recall a gripping thread about a nightmare of a job in the entertainment industry, involving a cast of characters involving an array of tribute acts and some dodgy dealings by the management company. The woman who tweeted that thread, stand-up comedian, singer and writer, Sooz Kempner, has given us another glimpse into her fascinating past with this story of her worst gig ever.
It’s a long thread but well worth it.
It started out so hopefully.
THREAD: This is the story of THE WORST GIG I've EVER done.
NYE 2018. I posted on Facebook about what a fab year I’d had, donned my best lashes and set off for my last gig of the year: singing pop to 80 people at a pub in Essex. Easy, easiest of gigs and paying sweeeet dollar.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
I arrived in good time, hair and makeup done, best lashes donned, just needed to set up my PA system and put on my heels. As I brought the PA system in to the pub I noticed odd decour…from the outside this place was a pub. But inside it was like a weird WMC.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
But the warning signs kicked in quickly.
There were framed pictures of people called the Grand Master or something, one of the Duke of Kent…it became clear to me that this was not a pub. It was a masonic lodge. This was a gig for freemasons. My heart sank.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
Realising who the gig was for didn’t do much for Sooz’s expectations.
I’ve gigged a couple of times for the masons before. You’re made to stand outside the room with your PA system and then come in and set it up when invited in then you sing a 20 minute set while a room full of (always 100% white) men stare. One then sees you out. Such weird gigs.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
Whoever sees you out of the meeting always needs to kiss you on both cheeks and put hands on your shoulders and stuff. I dunno, maybe masons just love touching everybody but I didn't see the men touching each other while I was singing, weird innit.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
She tried to stay positive.
This gig was different to previous masons bookings though, it was the NYE do! Wives were invited! Children too! They weren’t there yet and I set up the PA trying to be optimistic and thinking of that sweeeet dollar.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
But the bookers didn’t seem to know what they’d booked her for.
The couple who'd booked me and were running the night said “they’re arriving at 7 and then there’s dinner at 8” so I said “would you like me to be singing as they arrive?” and the couple just didn’t know and I said “I don’t have to…” and they reluctantly said “…yes, do that”.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
As well as being dubious about her material.
The couple were VERY worried about what I’d be singing. I again said I wouldn’t sing if they’d rather I didn’t and they said “no, do, do”. I said “I’ll just do some light jazz” and they panicked and said “oo they won’t like that!”.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
It was weird, it was like they didn't want any singing at all. But…they'd booked me. To sing. They were acting like I'd shown up and they wanted to be nice and let me do a little turn. I would have been very happy to sing absolutely nothing except Auld Lang Syne.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
Being the consummate professional she is, Sooz adapted.
Deeeeep sigh. I put together a playlist of 45 minutes of VERY inoffensive background light pop. THE CROWD ARRIVED! A sea of noisy noisy older men and silent wives and some kids aged 10-13 who immediately started running around and skidding across the dancefloor on their knees.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
The audience seemed as unsure as the organisers.
Everybody glanced at me on their way in like I was an alien or an improv comic or something. I was literally just singing Marvin Gaye, Adele and Simon & Garfunkel. People seemed horrified and gathered far from the dancefloor (apart from the oblivious children).
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
Which wasn’t at all how these things normally pan out.
Now, none of this is an issue, I didn’t need their adoration but I cannot stress enough how EASY this sort of gig ALWAYS is. Normally the audience can’t believe songs they DEFINITELY know are being performed live and it’s always great. This horrified reaction was NEW.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
The awkwardness was ramped up at dinnertime.
I made it to 8pm. Dinner was to be served. I really wanted to just go up to the office (my green room) and sit with my phone for an hour and a half but the couple who booked me insisted on me sitting on a table with masons n wives for dinner.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
I'd had a month of heavy duty gigging and a good 2 weeks of insane amounts of food so I really wasn't up for another 3 course meal and I certainly didn't have the energy to sit with strangers but FIIIIIIIINE.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
It was a predictable mix of gammon and Stepford, with a heavy threat of impending racism.
They all just talked about Brexit. The men that is, their wives sat silently. But the men droned about brilliant Brexit and about how well travelled they all are. I wasn’t asked one question. Eventually one yelled “WEYYYY HERE’S CHINESE BARRY!”.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
Chinese Barry was definitely not Chinese. He sat down. “Tell Suzy [it’s Sooz but they'd made their choice] why you’re called Chinese Barry!” one ordered. I thought "no please don't" and braced myself.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
I needn’t have worried, what followed was an interminably long story about an extremely long phone number that I couldn’t make head or tail of. “And that’s why they called me Chinese Barry” Barry punchlined. I’m none the wiser.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
The Masonic sense of humour seemed unfathomable.
The first course was butternut squash soup. The table all found this EXTREMELY funny and stupid like they’d been served Ribena in a bowl. It was just…butternut squash soup. I don’t know why it was funny to them. I felt so alone.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
Their smalltalk was …not so small, and quite offensive.
The mason I was next to was a real masons geek. Like me being in to movies and videogames but his thing was freemasonry. He was full of mason facts. The best bit was when he told me “us masons were actually as persecuted as the Jews in World War II but we don’t go on about it”.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
Sooz managed to avoid making a scene – with restraint not all of us would have shown.
I bristled and decided against causing a scene/telling him my heritage and just said “right, so are you from a long line of masons?”. No. He’d become a mason in 1996 coz his neighbour let him or something. But he was still persecuted in World War II or something. Absolute wanker
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
I seethed on this for the remainder of the meal and imagined covering his stupid masons tie in butternut squash soup to keep myself chill. He started telling me all about his "rear extension" (lololol) which frankly came as something of a relief.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
The organisers still hadn’t decided what they wanted for their money.
At the end of the meal there were only 2 and a half hours til midnight and the evening was flying by…! I asked the couple running things “what would you like me to do til midnight?” and they didn’t know, just kept looking at each other. This was really beginning to wind me up.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
I said “look, I'm booked to sing, I really don’t mind singing or not singing but what do you think for the rest of the night?”. They decided I SHOULD sing but “after the raffle”. This was like getting blood from a stone. Trying to get a good EU deal would be simpler. #satire
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
The raffle was well funded, but very weird.
The raffle was bizarre…the prizes were all very expensive bottles of booze, flying lessons, spa weekends. Where was all this chuffing money coming from!? Every prize was collected by one of the exuberant children which was weird, kids running about with bottles of Sipsmith.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
The raffle was hosted by John, the biggest loudest reddest man there. He was very drunk and didn’t ask to use my microphone, just picked it straight up in his massive hands.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
He shouted A LOT even though the microphone was definitely working. It turned out he was the “chair” of this masonic branch. Masonic Nerd I'd sat with at dinner liked John VERY much, "a lot of respect for him" he kept saying. Never found out why. John features heavily from here.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
At last, Sooz could get away from the Masons and back on the stage, but the audience reaction was still not the usual one.
After the raffle it was dancefloor filler time. I tried everything….Motown, disco, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s…NOBODY would get on that dancefloor. The children were by now all just tearing about in the carpark and sticking their faces to the windows outside.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
As I sang people were turning their backs to me and sneaking glances, pained. I was DEFINITELY singing in tune and I had set the volume at a perfectly reasonable level. Again, this is the kind of gig I have been successfully doing for MORE THAN 10 YEARS.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
A NYE singing gig is a piece of piss, everyone's drunk and out with friends, there's no pressure. It's not even like it's a wedding where there's some gravitas to the event, it was just a NYE party! It should not have been this hard.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
One Mason managed to add insult to injury, or vice versa.
I continued to sing to nobody. Gammony John sent over his little scrawny henchman. I saw him do it. Henchman started yelling at me mid-Simply the Best. I couldn’t hear him but I could FEEL him spitting all over me. Monsoon season had arrived in Essex.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019
