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The Perils of Supermarket Shopping

Even in the age of online shopping there are generally times when we have to visit a supermarket, whether we want to or not. Be it because your flatmate has, yet again, stolen all of your milk (even though they swear blind they haven’t touched it) or because one of your kids has suddenly appeared downstairs at 10pm with a list of 28 ingredients that they need for cooking at school tomorrow, 27 of which you don’t have.

Or maybe you don’t trust online supermarket shopping because of that time your joint of beef was substituted with 6 Beef & Tomato Pot Noodles which meant the lunch you’d planned for the in-laws had to suddenly go in a whole different direction.

Whatever your reason for visiting a supermarket, it’s very rarely a simple event. Even a fairly pleasant thing, like bumping into someone you know, can turn dark very quickly. You first run into each other in the cheese aisle, possibly literally if you’ve managed to choose a trolley with defective wheels that goes any way but the way you want it to. You exchange pleasantries over the cheddar and Dairylea triangles, say goodbye, then go on your merry way whilst thinking how nice it was to see them. Until you run into each other again in the next aisle.

“Fancy meeting you here!” they jokingly exclaim. 

You laugh and bid each other goodbye. Again. Then, in the next aisle, out of the corner of your eye you see them. There they bloody are again. 

“We must stop meeting like this. People will talk.” you say, through slightly gritted teeth. 

“Are you following me? Do I need to call security?” you’ll (half) jokingly say as you run into them again in aisle 14. 

By the time you’ve reached the freezer aisle you’re all set to throw yourself headfirst into the frozen veg section to avoid having to see or speak to them (ever) again. 

Even the simplest of supermarket visits can often turn into a mission. All you want to do is get in, grab what you need, then get the hell out again. But, oh no.

First you have to manoeuvre yourself around the two people who have decided that right in the middle of the aisle is the ideal place to park their trolleys and have a chat.

Then you realise you’ve forgotten your list. There were only 3 things written on it but now your mind has gone blank and you can’t remember what any of those 3 things were, so it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ll come home with 12 items, none of which are what you actually went in for. Because you only went in for 3 items you obviously didn’t need a trolley, or even a basket. Now you’ve got far more than 3 things but you’re just going to style it out and try to balance them all in your arms as you’ll be damned if you’re going in search of a vessel for your goods now. 

You’ll probably have to get past a small child having a screaming tantrum on the floor because they’re not allowed to push the trolley anymore as they used it to smash an old lady in the ankle and then knocked over a display of half price cider.

Halfway round you’ll realise you’ve forgotten to bring a bag with you and start muttering obscenities under your breath because you’re going to have to pay for yet another bag to join the army of others rammed in the cupboard under your kitchen sink.

Then it’s past the yellow sticker section trying to avoid the two people fighting over a packet of out of date and slightly grey mince that’s been reduced from £3.50 to £3.38.

It’s like the worst round of Crystal Maze ever. 

When it comes to actually paying for your purchases, that’s a whole other minefield in itself. No matter which line you choose, it will always move more slowly than every other one. Sod’s Law.

In your queue will be the person who has forgotten something and disappears off to get it, leaving their shopping on the conveyor belt and everyone else wondering if they’re coming back or not.

There will also be that person who wants to use £47 worth of coupons and will have a hissy fit when told they can’t use them because they’re out of date and for a completely different supermarket.

Plus there will be someone else in front of you who will try to buy something that hasn’t got a label on it so you’ll have to wait whilst a member of staff runs round the store trying to locate a price for it.

And if you’re really in the line from hell, you’ll also be behind a person who doesn’t put down the shopping divider for you.

You could always just go to the self service checkout. That is if you want to find yourself, just mere minutes later, screeching “THERE’S NOTHING UNEXPECTED IN THE BASTARD BAGGING AREA” at a machine as people start to nervously edge away from you.

If you’re shopping in Aldi or Lidl then going through the checkout is more a battle of wills and survival of the fittest. You load up the conveyor belt with the groceries that you came into purchase and the middle aisle items that you definitely didn’t, and then they’re hurtled at full force back at you through the checkout. You think you’ll be able to keep up with the packing. You won’t. Just chuck your selection of german sausage, 36 piece socket set, chainsaw and inflatable garden bench back into your trolley and then go and pack it over at the side of the shop like a good little customer. 

But you manage to make it out in one piece.  Just about. Your nerves are slightly frazzled but you’re just thankful it’s over. Time to go home and have a nice cup of tea. Until you get in, put the kettle on and then suddenly remember that you’ve run out of milk…and  you forgot to buy any more. 

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