25 funny tweets of the week
13.
I have a terrible memory. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's the worst thing about me apart from my terrible memory.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) September 17, 2019
14.
PODCAST IDEA:
I chat to comedians and “creatives” about their process whilst cutting their hair. After about 30 minutes they realise that I have never had any barbering training / experience.
— Josh Pugh (@JoshPughComic) September 17, 2019
15.
I've been dead six months. My grieving husband is sat in a circle of candles, hunched over a ouija board. A notepad and pen are by his side.
"Honey, if you're there," he asks, "Where do we keep the ketchup?".
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) September 17, 2019
16.
imagine being pregnant for 9 months and ur child turns out to be british
— verdandi (@daintyvioIet) September 15, 2019
17.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) September 17, 2019
18.
The Downton Abbey film also made me think about that other contemporaneous series, Peaky Blinders. My idea is to bring them together in Downton Blinders, in which the Crawlays are besieged by a gang of Brummie hoodlums.
— David Aaronovitch (@DAaronovitch) September 19, 2019
19.
friend: i wish i was batman
me: [loading pistol] what movie were your parents seeing tonight?
— Skoog (@Skoog) September 19, 2019
20.
100,000 Slugs
ADD TO BASKET pic.twitter.com/VWemIHx2L3— trouteyes (@trouteyes) September 19, 2019
21.
Oh sure, when Wellcome screams it everyone's all on board but when I do its all 'be quiet, Harriet, you're at a christening'. https://t.co/WzpriMSJAQ
— Harriet Palfreyman (@hjpalfreyman) September 17, 2019
22.
My hobbies? Buying an 800 calorie sandwich for lunch then sitting on a chair for 6 hours.
— Laura (@fairycakes) September 18, 2019
23.
Been blocked by Peter Shilton. Sadly ironic that he never managed it in the 1990 penalty shootout.
— Balderdash (@notDcfcBoss) September 19, 2019
24.
Found the place where Boris gets his hair cut pic.twitter.com/McSXK03RqI
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) September 16, 2019
25.
I give my house a mock Tudor effect by emptying a bucket of shit out of the window each morning while watching my children die of syphilis.
— Geraint (@geraintgriffith) September 20, 2019