We asked for your ‘old jokes, new jokes, bad jokes and dad jokes’ and you didn’t disappoint – 28 favourites
Went into a pub and the bowl of nuts on the bar told me I have lovely eyes.
Turns out they were complimentary.
— Glenn Miller (@_GlennMiller) August 16, 2019
— Adam Leyton #FBPE 🔶 🇪🇺 🇬🇧 (@AdamLeyton) August 16, 2019
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
— SquirrelGirl (@Fuzzipeg) August 16, 2019
The man who invented throat lozenges has sadly passed away. His family say that the the funeral will be next week but there’ll be no coffin…
— Paul Stevenson (@hauntedmagazine) August 16, 2019
What do you call a bloke with no shins?
— Mozzle (@IanMorr48131580) August 16, 2019
What do you call someone who used to like tractors, an extractor fan
— KeithKeithington (@rolphey) August 16, 2019
I was going to tell a joke about a roof but it’s just goes over people’s heads
— Liam Richards (@LiamRichards84) August 16, 2019
Booked tickets for an Elvis tribute act via an automated ticket line
Was option 1 for the money & 2 for the show
— Kerry (@Kerrydite1) August 16, 2019
Went into a chip shop and asked for Cod, they said it wouldn’t be long
I replied well it better be thick
— 🏴James McDermott (@Raid1968) August 16, 2019
What’s the difference between Simply Red and a bull?
The bull has the horns at the front and the arsehole at the back
— Sam (@sam_bambs) August 16, 2019
Two fish in a tank and one says to the other “how the f**k do you drive this thing!?”
— Stephen McDonald (@stmcd82) August 16, 2019
Dishes Sean Connery!
— Matt Gration (@mattgration) August 16, 2019
Statistically five in every one people are Russian Dolls.
— 🍍 AJ of AhhGee Esq. 🌈🥁 (@AhhGeeProd) August 16, 2019
My dad always used to say ‘as one door closes, another one opens’ which is why he drowned on a submarine.
— Akira’s Arcade (@AkirasArcade) August 16, 2019
More from the Poke
Simply 19 funny (and occasionally familiar) things people call their remote control
People are sharing the food they thought was ‘posh’ as kids – even though it really, really isn’t