If Batman left Yelp reviews – 5 stars for these 15 responses

Batman is a brooding vigilante, and his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, is a high-living billionaire with a mansion, a butler and a tragic past, but as a citizen of Gotham, he still has to use the local businesses and facilities, and he probably has an opinion on them. This is where writer Gail Simone steps in, with her challenge for Twitter.

Today's question is…

Give me a Yelp review of something, written by Batman.

Please use hashtag#BatmanYelp

— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) August 10, 2019

She even got the ball rolling in style.

"Disappointing. No Horsey Sauce and counter girl made fun of my cape. BAD ARBY'S."#BatmanYelp

— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) August 10, 2019

So I gave ACE CHEMICAL FACTORY a five star review a few years ago when an arch-enemy fell into a vat there, but this place has REALLY gone downhill and overboard with the safety regs. Railings over EVERY vat of deadly chemicals. BOO! Do NOT shop ACE! #BatmanYelp

— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) August 10, 2019

Twitter rose to the challenge, and these are the best fake Yelp reviews you’ll read today.

1.

"First of all I have been coming to this skyscraper to brood for YEARS and no one ever said anything. Now I came here last night and new owner sent SECURITY to ask me to leave?! Bad view of Gotham anyway. Never perching there again.#BatmanYelp

— TBR (@tbirdrex) August 10, 2019

2.

Gotham Adoption Services: 2/5

‘Total lack of suitable orphans: No acrobats, child soldiers, or parkour experts.

Weapons training facilities non-existent, though properly austere rooms.

Insistence on FORMS to be filled out.

I don’t do paperwork.

I’m Batman’#BatmanYelp https://t.co/BCROLGB5MH

— Agent of G.I.R.L. (Canada) (@tgshepherdvan) August 10, 2019

3.

I am VENGEANCE.

I am THE NIGHT

I… am… UNIMPRESSED with Bludhaven Escape Rooms. #BatmanYelp

— Caasi Shaw (@geppettonoir) August 10, 2019

4.

Arkham Asylum 0/5

Do I really need to explain this? I put Joker in ten minutes ago and now there's a nuke in Metropolis #BatmanYelp

— iHeliios (@iheliios) August 10, 2019

5.

"Ordered a batfish expecting the perfect aquatic sidekick. Was deeply disappointed to get creature that looked like a better match for the Joker. No stars for product, four stars for seller who allowed me to trade for a manta ray." #BatmanYelp pic.twitter.com/ToBf0ETBaG

— Ciaran Conliffe (@shinyemptyhead) August 10, 2019

6.

Gotham Botanical Gardens

Pros: knowledgeable staff, rare plant section well stocked. Got tied up and kissed.

Cons: got tied up, kissed, and fed to a giant Vagina plant

2.5 stars, will be coming back#BatmanYelp pic.twitter.com/QZLjWn4s2S

— Chloe (@fayettevamp) August 10, 2019

7.

GAMBI'S TAILORING
⭐️

Worst fitting ever. Clearly polyester not kevlar as requested. Would like to give zero stars but can't. When I confronted Two-Face during a jewel heist they didn't even need to flip a coin to decide if they should laugh or not.#BatmanYelp pic.twitter.com/f0IDyj4Uuc

— Hell is Empty (So fill it with Nazis) (@Sleestak) August 10, 2019

8.

#BatmanYelp
Gotham's Burritos 4/5
Good quality burritos, nice filling, extra sauce. Good for a late night snack. Would give it a 5/5 if a dude dressed like a cat or something didn't attack me right after finishing my meal.

— IvyGirl BloomInGtOn (@ivygirl851) August 10, 2019