Our 25 favourite funny things we’ve seen this week
13.
doctor: i've got good news and bad news
him: omg what is it
doctor: you're gonna die soon
him: oh no
doctor: your wife is sleeping with me
him: *crying* wait what’s the good news
doctor: oh the first one
— Kayleecious slate🍧 (@TweetsByKaylee) August 7, 2019
14.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) August 6, 2019
15.
REASONS WHY WE SHOULD DRAIN THE OCEANS
1. Fewer shark attacks
2. To teach jellyfish a lesson
3. It's important to try new things
4. We can use the water for useful stuff like hot tubs & water pistols
5. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THE EVIL MOON FROM CONTROLLING OUR PRECIOUS TIDES— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) August 7, 2019
16.
girlfriend: promise you won't do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) August 6, 2019
17.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) August 7, 2019
18.
If you think video games are making kids violent you wait until you take them away from them
— ChrisPianity (@ChrisPurchase) August 7, 2019
19.
ZOOKEEPER 1: How are the wildebeest behaving?
ZOOKEEPER 2: Well, there's good gnus and bad gnus.
— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) August 7, 2019
20.
decided to cut out the middleman of all the football nonsense and just support a billionaire directly
— joe (@mutablejoe) August 6, 2019
21.
Guy: can I borrow ur charger
Me: I’m using it
Guy: what are u at
Me: 82%
Guy: well I’m at 5%
Me: oh man well I hope u find a charger
— john is toast (@johnistoasted) August 7, 2019
22.
DELIVERY OPTIONS:
Parcelforce – we delivered your parcel, somewhere.
Amazon – it's in your neighbour.
DPD – No one answered after 5 seconds so you'll have to collect it from a shed in Wales.
MY HERMES – We threw it in a quarry and burnt it.— Geraint (@geraintgriffith) August 7, 2019
23.
— Alison McGinley (@alighirl77) August 6, 2019
24.
Every guy named Tristan is actually just three guys named Stan standing on top of each other wearing a trench coat.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) August 8, 2019
25.
Why do some lads think everything women do is to attract them. "She's wearing makeup to attract men", "she just picked that dress to attract men", "she's only sacrificing me on a barren hilltop and wearing my entrails like a scarf while growling at badgers to attract men", etc.
— Ciara | Ciaraíoch 🎨 (@Ciaraioch) August 8, 2019
Important News: – The Poke is now on Instagram.
