60 very funny jokes by 60 essential people to follow
There can’t be many people who don’t want a healthy injection of comedy into their Twitter timeline, so we’ve gathered some of the funniest accounts into one handy list.
We can’t force you to follow them, because we’re not the boss of you, but we can guarantee every one of these funny people will brighten your virtual life, if you give them a chance.
But first some important news – The Poke is now on Instagram.
….and now on with the show.
In no particular order …
1. Bob Mortimer
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t climb a ladder with a rabbit in each hand
— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) July 5, 2019
2. Joe Heenan
You know how dogs have a sixth sense?
Here’s a true story.
Last night about 10 I was on the couch, my dog started whining & looking upstairs.
I rushed up to check on the kids.
They were fine.
I came back down & caught her finishing off my bowl of Doritos.
Fuckin’ arsehole— joe heenan (@joeheenan) July 17, 2019
3. Bethany Black
The movie Yesterday, but Peter Kay’s the only person who remembers garlic bread.
— Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) July 7, 2019
4. Mollie Goodfellow
The Great Cannoli Swindle
1) Buy four chocolate filled cannoli on the way home
2) Eat two on the train
3) Present two cannoli to your partner at home as a treat
4) Wait for them to offer you one of the two cannoli
5) Accept
6) Enjoy your three cannoli— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) February 16, 2018
5. Moose Allain
Mr Escher’s office pic.twitter.com/0OAcDzsWY4
— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) January 22, 2019
6. Joe
stood still for 20 mins in London today and I regret to announce I am now a Pret a Manger
— joe (@mutablejoe) February 21, 2019
7. Sarah Dempster
Steve Bannon looks like the guy in a sci-fi movie who gets infected by a deadly space virus but refuses to tell the rest of the crew pic.twitter.com/MFEjBNniSN
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) November 27, 2016
8. Holly Brockwell
“Street! Street! Street!” pic.twitter.com/1Yd4G0Uy9T
— Holly Brockwell (@holly) June 24, 2019
9. Nick Harvey
Me: Did you know that Jay Z’s brother is called Juan?
Wife: …
Me: Apparently he invented the chenille jumpsuit.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: You think you’re funny, but actually you’re just a knob.— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) July 31, 2019
10. Nick Pettigrew
A: Better wigs pic.twitter.com/dabzNLdhJr
— Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) December 14, 2018
11. Kathy Burke
Wondering who BogJob will fuck first. The country or the housekeeper at no 10?
— kath 🙀❄️🇪🇺💚 (@KathyBurke) July 23, 2019
12. Kashana
Someone Who Can Make Sure GoFundMe Isn’t Our Most Popular Health Insurance Company 2020
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 10, 2019
13. Carly Danger
[having tea with the queen]
me: *elegantly lifting my pinky up as i drink* yes or no has prince phillip ever called it Fuckingham Palace
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) July 5, 2019
14. Happy Toast
“Dad, please can I hold the Brexit 50p for a bit?”
” pic.twitter.com/Whm093QcI0— HappyToast ★ (@IamHappyToast) October 29, 2018
15. Michael Spicer
New Order are a trio of hard hitting detectives in ITV1’s new police drama “Blue Mondays”. pic.twitter.com/RIZDTTXLyk
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) March 13, 2017
16. Bim Adewumni
still. always. pic.twitter.com/y5FzxOrujo
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) March 12, 2019
17. Sassparilla
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) July 4, 2019
18. GHC
ME, SOBBING: Please, Emily, you can’t give all your 100 characters the same 4 names
EMILY BRONTE: *points* That’s Earnshaw Linton. *points* That’s Cathy Heathcliff. *points* Heathcliff Linton. *points* Cathy Cathy. *points* Earnshaw Cathy Jr. *pause* And they’re all GHOSTS.— GHC (@Scriblit) July 30, 2018
19. Robin Flavell
An islamaphobe, a white supremacist and a sexual predator walk into a bar. The barman says “What’ll it be Mr Trump?”
— Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) August 15, 2017
20. Sanjeev Kohli
Brexit. Like losing a leg to gangrene. And then finding a shoe.
And it’s the WRONG SHOE.
And someone’s done a shit in it.
— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) January 3, 2018
21. Summer Ray
Show yourself Inspector Gadget pic.twitter.com/w1bgtYZFUS
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) February 28, 2018
22. Red Sky At Night
Mark Francois is basically the sweaty, farty little man from your office who constantly interrupts your work by trying to start a conversation about how he knows how to evade speed cameras
— Red Sky At Night (@redskyatnight) May 26, 2019
23. Twinks
My Asda food shop was £137 this week.
I shall break this down.
£37 of actual food.
1 gluten free loaf of bread
— Twinks (@tinytwink) August 1, 2019
24. Technically Ron
For any Americans wondering who Boris Johnson is, he’s what would happen if you threw Donald Trump, a hay bale and a thesaurus into a washing machine and then it caught fire.
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) July 23, 2019
25. Sean Leahy
Hey baby I hear the blues a-callin’ pic.twitter.com/yKSDR1TaPM
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 8, 2018
26. Sam Whyte
Phlegm
Lethargy
Aches
Gangrene
Unsteadiness
ExpirationMnemonic plague.
— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) January 11, 2019
27. Richard Osman
Delighted to announce I have been appointed as Secretary of State for Reaching Things On High Shelves.
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) July 24, 2019
28. Sir Michael
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) June 13, 2018
29. Marie Le Conte
god I’m so happy Instagram is still not working, I hope it stays down, finally the hot people will have to come here and learn to be funny to get attention like the rest of us
— Marie Le Conte (@youngvulgarian) March 13, 2019
30. Jennifer McAuliffe
Inside the food pyramid is a secret tomb filled with Nutella
— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) April 4, 2019
