25 of the funniest things we’ve seen this week
When you order in imperial from a tailor who works in metric. pic.twitter.com/KmgOCEKcNy
— Seb Dance MEP 🌹🇪🇺 (@SebDance) July 27, 2019
I'm round Alanis Morissette's flat. When will she learn. pic.twitter.com/B65dA83fTX
— Simon Caine [at the #EdFringe] (@thismademecool) July 30, 2019
Accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps!
— @nd®é™ 🙄 (@AndreTheViking) July 28, 2019
MY TOP 4 PROBLEMS WITH BABIES
1. SINFUL: most babies haven't read the Bible
2. TAX AVOIDERS: you are contributing nothing to society, babies
3. CLIMATE DENIERS: am not convinced they're taking climate change seriously
4. BAD OPINIONS: peek-a-boo is not a fun game, you tiny fools
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) July 30, 2019
This is EXACTLY how I intend spending my retirement. pic.twitter.com/AjiPbo8n7e
— Daniel (@DannyDutch) July 30, 2019
— Rhapsody in Blue clarinet glissando (@GraceSpelman) July 30, 2019
is it because it's a list of the world's top fifty intellectuals pic.twitter.com/wpPfTQVLri
— Current Affairs (@curaffairs) July 27, 2019
My dog is called Patch because I'm trying to give up dogs.
— Gary Delaney (@GaryDelaney) July 31, 2019
Very long cow pic.twitter.com/rbgqomVlW1
— paul hooper (@tryfan03) July 30, 2019
Designer of ‘Red Roses’
Bed Linen …. you had one job:)
— Kate Robbins (@KateRobbins) August 1, 2019
All I want from food writing is a well-written description of the dish and a recipe that works. I couldn’t give a shit if this was the first pie you made after your nan died and that you cried crimping the edges. Pull yourself together and tell me what size tin I need.
— Red Sky At Night (@redskyatnight) August 1, 2019
I just got THREE cat calls walking TWO BLOCKS downtown. Seriously, please stop being so cute I can't adopt anymore cats.
— Sara Wren (@sarawrencomedy) July 30, 2019
me: time to go to bed
my brain: pic.twitter.com/6QJasRIkL5
— lincoln 🥃 (@linkindrinkin) July 29, 2019