20 of our favourite Billy Connolly quotes and jokes

Billy Connolly is without doubt one of the finest and most influential comedians to have ever lived. So we need no excuse whatsoever to share some of our favourite jokes from The Big Yin…


“I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly”


“A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said how can you tell them apart, he said ‘her brother’s got a moustache!’”


“I know a Scottish guy who loved his wife so much that he told her he loved her one day”


[On politics] “Don’t vote. It just encourages them”


“A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for example. They’ve been offending other people for centuries”


“I don’t like Born Again Christians. I’m not too keen on Born-the-first-time Christians”



“Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on”


“A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand”


“People who ask, ‘can I ask you a question?’ Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?”