25 of the funniest things you’ll see this week
It’s the final week of Theresa May’s premiership and those Hilaire Belloc words drift increasingly to the forefront of our minds:
“Always keep a-hold of nurse,
For fear of finding something worse.”
The main “something worse” in question topped off this week by lying about kippers and promising us Mars Bars, while his opponent forgot to turn up for a crucial vote, so the UK is obviously going to be in safe hands.
Twitter is genuinely safe, however, if these twenty-five jokes are anything to go by.
1.
i look like Paul McCartney if he was really ill pic.twitter.com/lWTEiz50YN
— Chewis Capaldi (@LewisCapaldi) July 17, 2019
2.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) July 18, 2019
3.
I like to clean the house in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the vacuum.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 13, 2019
4.
me: [rolls down window] what seems to be the problem officer
cop: get the fuck out of my car
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) July 13, 2019
5.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I'll probably need a pilot
— john (@mrjohndarby) July 17, 2019
6.
I literally don’t give a shit what you’ll look like in 40 years.
— Bella Mackie (@bellamackie) July 17, 2019
7.
I’m confused, why have they blanked the dogs eyes out to hide his identity 🤔 pic.twitter.com/et7DG7W6MQ
— Rob (@MrRAnderson78) July 15, 2019
8.
If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we put David Davis there #BBCPanorama
— Kay Burley (@KayBurley) July 18, 2019
9.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
— Fu Tanning on a beach (@FU_TangClan) July 18, 2019
10.
Cop: Here comes the long arm of the law!
Officer Stretch Armstrong: Stop making fun of me, you guys!
— Ricki "Fists of Fury" Tarr (@ShootyDoody) July 17, 2019
11.
The next phase of the MCU pic.twitter.com/9qZ9JH7rVq
— rosEWAter (@EwaSR) July 18, 2019
12.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
— stuart fiddle (@stuartfiddle) June 13, 2019
