Simply 32 marvellous one-liners to give your day a lift
17.
Have you tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
— Roy Allen (@Roy_Allen) July 10, 2019
18.
My wife complained I don’t listen to her and something else or other
— G (@karn9uk) July 10, 2019
19.
Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"
— Jake Palmer (@JakePalmer04) July 10, 2019
20.
— Mark Pearce (@ChopperPearce) July 10, 2019
21.
My wife wants me to stop doing my flamingo impression.
I'll have to put my foot down.
— Ben G. (@witticismsofben) July 10, 2019
22.
I asked a paper artist to make me a wildebeest mask without using scissors, so he tore me a gnu one.
— Ian Coulson (@stationsteps) July 10, 2019
23.
The definition of a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
— Graham Megennis #FBPE 🏳️🌈 (@GrahamMegennis) July 10, 2019
24.
How many Freudians does it take to change a light boob?
— Mister Smith (@neeshest) July 10, 2019
25.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
— Greg Ó Ceallaigh (@gregoceallaigh) July 10, 2019
26.
Got stung by a bee today. £15 for a jar of honey
— Tim Birtwisle (@timbirt) July 10, 2019
27.
What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?
BANANANA!
— Kieran Cheeseman (@kierancheeseman) July 10, 2019
28.
What goes boo? A cow with a cold
— emzie (@teachyscience) July 10, 2019
29.
Saw on TV that crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet but I've only ever seen the ones with four
— Paul Simpson (aka @simsonictri) (@simiplufc) July 10, 2019
30.
I like a good Maths joke, but graphs are where I draw the line.
— Prof Mark Lorch (@Mark_Lorch) July 10, 2019
31.
They’ve come up with a new low-fat communion wafer – it’s called "I can’t believe it’s not Jesus".
— Sarah Louise (@sarahlou_iorua) July 10, 2019
32.
We were so poor that my dad bought my school uniform second hand from the army & navy store. I was 9yrs old before I realised I was going to school dressed as a Japanese Admiral.
— 486Pins (@pins486) July 10, 2019
We hope these cheered Simon up – we really can’t tell from this tweet.
Reading ALL your replies to this, with THIS actual face: pic.twitter.com/3TaIkUOLBC
— Simon Pegg (@Simon_Pegg) July 10, 2019
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