Simply 32 marvellous one-liners to give your day a lift
We all have our off days and we do whatever we can to try and give ourselves a boost. Some people watch a favourite show, others might eat some heavy-duty carbs, and there must be one or two who go online to find that clip of Michael Gove falling over. One chap named Simon Pegg – another one – turned to Twitter in the hope of a pick-me-up.
Twitter, need a bit of cheering up. Today has drained me with work and other things..
Cheer up an idiot, and tell me your favourite, funniest, one-liners please:
— Simon Pegg (@Simon_Pegg) July 10, 2019
Simon’s clearly a popular guy, and Twitter stepped up with some great one-liners.
My husband accused me of being immature.
I told him to get out of my fort.
— june lewins (@joonloons) July 10, 2019
I want to marry my native American girlfriend in Las Vegas. But she has reservations….
— Simon London (@slondonuk) July 10, 2019
What’s blue and white and can kill people by dropping out of trees on them?
A fridge in a denim jacket.
— David QC (@DavidMuttering) July 10, 2019
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth!
Ummmm, you don't need a doctor, I think you need a psychiatrist!
Well I was on my way to see a psychiatrist but as I was passing I saw your light was on.
— Barbarossa ✨ (@barbarossa69) July 10, 2019
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? FISH MONKEY WOBBLY DISH!
— Rob Turner (@ReynardCity) July 10, 2019
What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a cat
— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) July 10, 2019
Currently learning to scuba dive. This is a favourite amongst that community.
Why do divers roll backwards off the boat?
If they rolled forwards they’d still be in the boat.
— Liz (@ejp72) July 10, 2019
There is one good thing about two faced people. It takes less wool to knit them a balaclava.
— Ern Malley – Angry Penguin 🐧 (@GeoffShadbold) July 10, 2019
What's the difference between a duck and a dog?
Neither of them can fly, except for the duck.
— Chris Green (@Chris_M_Green) July 11, 2019
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
— Adrianne (@Gretalrkmonster) July 10, 2019
I walked past a building site and a man hammering in nails called me a paranoid weirdo, in Morse code
— Peter Lawrence (@PeterLa92815216) July 10, 2019
Wife to Husband – "I've just found a load of sado-masochistic and bondage magazines under our son's bed and he's only 12 – what shall I do?"
Husband to Wife – "Well, whatever you do – don't spank him!!!"
— John Burns (@TwoStoreyVolvo) July 10, 2019
What's green and wears checked trousers?
Rupert the Snooker Table.
— Geraint (@geraintgriffith) July 10, 2019
My mum was fuming when I told her I had bought a theatre. She said are you having me on ? I said I’ll give you an audition but can’t promise anything
— Reavo (@reavor1) July 10, 2019
Shortly before my grandad died, my grandma rubbed butter all over his back. After that he went downhill very quickly.
— Ian Coulson (@stationsteps) July 10, 2019
Had a strange day myself. First I found a hat filled with money, then I got chased by some bloke with a guitar.
— Drivelcast (@drivelcast) July 10, 2019