The 25 funniest tweets of the week
In the last jam-packed week, we’ve seen the Dalai Lama out himself as a sexist, the Brexit Party become even more embarrassing, and the Lionesses prove that anything the men can do, the women can do too – including scuffing penalties. As all that was going on, the funny lot on Twitter did their thing with great panache, and we’ve picked our 25 favourites.
1.
Please don’t mention Flossie’s paw. She’s really self conscious about it. pic.twitter.com/NsMqliGbGt
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) July 1, 2019
2.
Username: Dangerzone
Password: F00tLoo$eKenny's Logins
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) July 1, 2019
3.
They’d better call the first designer baby Gene Hackman
— Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) July 1, 2019
4.
Son: There’s a bully in school. He’s twice my size & makes fun of me at lunch
Me: Well, look, it might be his life isn’t nice. Can you think of a reason he’s not happy?
Son: His father left & his mother is mean.
Me: Cool, make fun of him for that. That shit’s hilarious
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) June 30, 2019
5.
[ouija board]
"Is that you grandma?"
*GLASS SPELLS OUT:* "YES IT IS AND THANK YOU FOR THAT BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUT ON FACEBOOK"— Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳️🌈 (@craiguito) June 29, 2019
6.
A DPD driver just asked me the time. I told him its between 8 and 12
— Richard S 🚴♀️🚴♀️🚴♀️ (@Stokesy1966) July 1, 2019
7.
4 separate hackers have allegedly filmed me masturbating and are threatening to release the video if I don't pay. I'd be more inclined to pay them if they said "caught you scoffing biscuits in the car so the kids don't know you have any", as this is a video I've been in.
— Jen Furby (@WattingerJen) July 2, 2019
8.
Her: He'd call me toy story names in bed
Divorce lawyer: would he?
Her: no, Mrs Potato Head
— steeve again (@steeve_again) July 2, 2019
9.
Not sure if this is a good sign. pic.twitter.com/7ehkoWhb8J
— Avian Face-Tool ❄ (@Beakmoo) July 2, 2019
10.
I want a spinoff of Charlie’s angels called Charlie’s chris’ and it’s chris hemsworth, Chris Evans and Chris pine who have to take down chris Pratt, a former chris who went rogue
— Haikal Idris (@haikalclassic) June 29, 2019
11.
Make your 6 yr old toast and you feed him for an hour.
Teach him to make himself toast and your life is essentially a fucking disaster pic.twitter.com/7qHgXJfSMc— Gaz (@MichaelsCoDub) July 3, 2019
12.
When a woman makes a post on Twitter which requires no interaction from random men:pic.twitter.com/hefI8rqkli
— Craig Mac Ádaidh (@Craigadd) July 1, 2019
