This hilarious thread answers the question “How much poo is enough poo?”
When actor, presenter and writer, Jayne Sharp, applied to work in a hospital canteen, she had to bring a stool sample for screening – a sensible precaution as she would be preparing food for vulnerable people. However, the collection and presentation of the sample didn’t go according to plan, so she shared the saga via a very funny thread on Twitter, and we’ve never been so glad to see someone talking sh*t.
During university holidays, I went to work in a hospital canteen. I was told that for the interview I would have to bring along an up to date cv… and a stool sample.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
Luckily, she had inside information on the provision of a stool sample.
I had a couple of friends who’d previously applied for the position who told me, “Make sure you give them enough poo or they’ll make you do it again”.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
She took it on board.
As an 18 year old, embarrassed about simply living in my own skin, the thought of having to repeat this process filled me with utter horror. I was NOT going to do this a second time. They’d get all the poo they needed.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
So the night before the interview I proceeded to prep. I had zero idea how I was going to do this but I was determined to give it a shot.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
There were some practical obstacles.
After much deliberation, I decided that aiming straight into the tube wasn’t going to work. I rolled enough toilet paper around my hand that it resembled some sort of mummified boxing glove.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
I planned on catching it… but it wasn’t to be. At the last second I panicked. WHAT IF IT TOUCHED MY HAND?! I moved my hand & felt crestfallen as my poo fell into the toilet.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
I wasn’t sure there’d be time to squeeze another one out before my morning interview, so I knew I had to salvage this floating monster.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
Jayne showed great initiative, “turd fishing”.
So, armed with mum’s washing up gloves and an empty margarine tub, I set about ‘turd fishing’.
In no time I’d caught the beast and proceeded to get it into the tube.— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
Those words came into my head again, “Make sure you get enough or you’ll have to do it again”
FORGET THAT! They want plenty? They’ll get plenty!— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
So with that I continued to shove the ENTIRE poo into the tube. All of it. I even pushed it down.
Feeling rather pleased with my efforts I placed it in my bag, ready for the next day.— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
The big day arrived, and things were going her way.
The interview went pretty well until finally the lady interviewer, (sensing I was a little embarrassed about what was to come) gently asked if I had my sample.
I reached into my bag and proudly handed her my poo tube.— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
Until she took out the sample.
To my absolute horror, the tube had fully steamed up. She grimaced as she unscrewed the lid & scraped up THE TINIEST PEA-SIZED AMOUNT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN! Then, whilst actually gagging, threw the rest away into the ‘Toxic Waste’ bin.
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
At least there was a happy ending.
I hope this message helps anyone ever wondering, “how much poo is enough poo?)
I got the job. First thing I bought was a new pair of washing up gloves for my mum.— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 26, 2019
Jayne’s incredibly candid thread gave people a good laugh, and they had this to say about it.
You need to read this. It will make your day jollier. #TummyMud https://t.co/syTASqJ7l1
— Mitten d'Amour (@MittenDAmour) June 26, 2019
Mate. You are something else. 😂
— SfH (@simonfromharlow) June 26, 2019
Brilliant, just brilliant. Like a episode of Jackanory with a disclaimer that it may involve bodily movements and potential reflux gagging
— Antonio Dolor (@tpprof1) June 26, 2019
Whit a disgustin, mortifyin, hilarious story! 😂
— 🏴 Chaz 💟 (@Chazzbat) June 26, 2019
Because this was inevitable, we might as well get it out of the way.
Source: @Jaynesharp
