Comedian Sooz Kempner’s thread about her old job is the gritty comedy-drama of the year
Comedian and musician Sooz Kempner has won popular and critical acclaim, as well as awards, for her comedy performances, but like most people in the entertainment industry, she’s had to take the rough with the smooth. This thread about one of her previous jobs could be one of those edgy comedy films shown in independent cinemas, or one of the best sitcoms we’ve never seen.
It’s a wild ride.
The first tweet contains a wealth of WTF on its own, and it’s just the tip of the iceberg.
12 years ago I was in Ayia Napa being a Christina Aguilera tribute act for a company that turned out to be a money laundering operation for the Cypriot mafia. Anyway, one day I couldn't afford to eat and I just ate a full jar of Nutella I'd bought the week before.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
She set the scene.
This job was insane, I was meant to be there for 6 months and came home after 3. When I started the job there were about 40 tribute acts and by the time I left they were down to single figures.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
The company owners used to pick us up for gigs in a minibus and drop us one by one at our venues which could be anything from a luxury 5-star hotel to an Only Fools and Horses themed bar called Trotters that played DVDs of Only Fools and Horses on screens behind me while I sang.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
And described the cast.
The Elvis tribute SORT of sounded like Elvis but only for half an octave so if a song went higher than he could (which it always did coz real Elvis was AMAZING) he would just change the key so it was still in his register even though the backing track's key didn't change.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
The Michael Jackson tribute was a 21-year-old ginger Welsh guy who would white up for the show and part of his between-songs patter was asking the audience if he could babysit their kids. His big finale was Westlife's You Raise Me Up.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
PS He would sing like MJ but then just talk to the audience in his regular Welsh accent.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
If it makes it to the big screen, Danny Boyle’s a shoo-in to direct.
Once one of the bosses picked me up in the minibus as an emergency replacement for a gig and we had to get there really fast so he was driving like a nutter and he was also running with sweat and his eyes were CRAZY. I said "are you ok?" and he said "yeah, I'm on crystal meth".
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
On the first day they lined up all the tribute acts in front of a wall in a flat and took our pictures for the posters. We all looked like we were in a Romanian prison in our publicity images. Here is mine. This was literally what they sent to promoters. pic.twitter.com/AfF7JxCvui
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
Back to the star players …
The Ricky Martin tribute act was an ex-professional Latin dancer and he is now one of the pros on the Latvian Strictly.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
I shared a 2-bed flat with the Justin Timberlake tribute and we were top pals but he was always leaving his window open and GIANT cockroaches would fly in then he'd bring girls back to the flat coz he was a right 2007 Casanova.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
And the wildlife – never work with children or animals.
He was scared of cockroaches and I wasn't so more than once I'd have to go in his room and get a cockroach out while a screaming half-nude woman stood on the bed and he hovered near the door sheepishly saying "thanks Sooz".
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
There were stray cats EVERYWHERE and they were pretty friendly so OF COURSE I hung out with them so much. This one was my favourite and we all called him The Gary Barlow Cat. pic.twitter.com/ozWmWJQfPz
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
Some players ended up on the cutting-room floor.
The Freddie Mercury tribute had to go home after just 4 days because it turned out he couldn't sing. He'd auditioned for the job, got the job, was bought a costume, was sent home.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
While some may have wished they had.
One night I showed up at the end of the Abba's tribute show to have a drink with my friend who was Agnetha and she was just leaning on the wall next to the stage smoking a fag while the Anni-Frid was onstage singing The Winner Takes It All and nobody was in the bar.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) May 30, 2019
