Our 25 favourite jokes from this week
It’s been a quiet week in the news, with nothing going on in the world at all – at least that’s how it seems if you’ve had your fingers in your ears, whilst singing “La, la, la. I’m not listening.” Whatever gets you through, right? What’s getting us through is reading the funny stuff people post on Twitter, so we’re sharing it with you.
RIP Karl Marx ur wiv da Engels now x
— Bethany Black Acceptance Month (@BeffernieBlack) April 8, 2019
The worst thing about letting the cat out of the bag is all the awkward questions about why you have a bag full of cats in the first place.
— Arena Flowers (@ArenaFlowers) April 5, 2019
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
— Just Sally (@MustardSally1) April 8, 2019
When I started in comedy people would say ‘don’t give up the day job.’ But they probably only said that cos they thought I was a part time bikini model.
— Lou Sanders (@LouSanders) April 8, 2019
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child pic.twitter.com/xVgCR5ivdo
— James Colley (@JamColley) April 8, 2019
Doctor: “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.”
Pagliacci (in full clown makeup and costume clutching his arm which is bleeding profusely): “Doc, I just told you, the circus lion attacked me.”
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) April 9, 2019
INTERVIEWER: so why should we hire you as our new manager?
ME: I feel like I bring a natural dominance into every room that people respond to
INTERVIEWER: how so?
ME: *reaches over the desk and takes a sip of their coffee* I’m glad you asked
— Spanky McDutcherson 🔸 (@thatdutchperson) April 10, 2019
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, losing my keys within 2 minutes of exiting my vehicle
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) April 9, 2019
The revolution has begun! pic.twitter.com/4NemwukkyA
— Michael Clarke (@Mr_Mike_Clarke) April 7, 2019
Nice of the council to add Thor’s hammer to the street sign. pic.twitter.com/mMthmEP8Pm
— Louie Stowell (@Louiestowell) April 10, 2019
"Meet your maker!"
"Put it away, dad"
— Jake Lambert (@LittleLostLad) April 10, 2019
Angel: "What have you done to this duck"
God: "I GAVE IT STEROIDS AND METH"
God: "I CALL IT A GOOSE"
Angel: "WHY IS IT SCREAMING AT ME"
God: *downing another jager bomb* "FUCK YOU"
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) April 10, 2019