The 25 funniest tweets of the week
Theresa May didn’t quite get the extension she’d hoped for, so it looks like she’ll have to keep eating her dinner on a fold-out table on the patio, John Bercow has become an unlikely hero for Remainers and Fireman Sam has been putting girls off joining the Fire Service. Just another totally normal week in a world gone mad. You have to laugh, or else you’ll cry.
1.
car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) March 21, 2019
2.
Took my family to the cinema today. The kids asked what my favourite bit was. I lied and said ‘when the dragons fell in love’ but really it was when a dad of two behind us got up and yelled ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP’ at the noisy teens in the back row then sat back down again.
— Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) March 16, 2019
3.
My cab driver says “You look a bit like a slimmer version of the guy off the Chase”. That’s how you earn a tip.
— Paul Sinha (@paulsinha) March 18, 2019
4.
Daughter, 7, got a little book in a party goodie bag called 1001 Ways To Save The Planet. Just got panicked message from birthday girl's mum. Turns out there's a page on "detoxing your sex life" with "animal-free bondage gear and solar-powered vibrators" #northlondon
— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) March 16, 2019
5.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
— C. A. Guardiola (@C_A_Guardiola) March 19, 2019
6.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
— Philosopher king (iOS 4.6) (@signalborder) March 20, 2019
7.
https://twitter.com/craiguito/status/1108728090639908864
8.
https://twitter.com/Megatronic13/status/1108519195459928065
9.
If someone presses the button at a pedestrian crossing after they’ve just seen you press it then a boxing glove on a spring should shoot out and punch them right in their stupid face.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) March 21, 2019
10.
Find someone who’s as horrified by you as Mary Berry is by the existence of ginger. pic.twitter.com/eekLx5nymO
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) March 19, 2019
11.
Just found out my Mum is actually Daniel Day Lewis preparing for a role
— Laura (@fairycakes) March 16, 2019
12.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
LIE DETECTOR ADMINISTRATOR: *looks up and shakes head*— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 19, 2019