The 25 best jokes of the week
In a week that’s seen the most unfathomable political chaos the UK has experienced since King Charles I’s head ended up in a basket, Mitt Romney showed us the most bizarre way of blowing out birthday candles, and a whippy little dog on Crufts won our hearts, we bring you the funniest jokes from Twitter. Take your mind off Brexit, the weight off your feet, and enjoy the distraction.
My wife has been bugging me for ages to get Hamilton tickets. I've just got a pair for tomorrow, but they're playing away at Motherwell, so I hope she's prepared for a long drive.
— Stu. (@dysondoc) March 8, 2019
When my lane is ending & the car next to me won’t let me merge & I realize a total stranger would rather me die than slow down 5 mph.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) March 9, 2019
Wife asked me to fix one of her ornaments, wonder how long it'll take her to notice… pic.twitter.com/F6LsoHJaWm
— David Stokes (@scottywrotem) March 10, 2019
Received an email from the AA titled "Driving abroad after Brexit, Mr. Sinha?" and now I can't get the Dad's Army theme tune out of my head.
— Paul Sinha (@paulsinha) March 11, 2019
Let us eat the forbidden gummy bear! https://t.co/OL1bVYB0Jn
— Craig Mac Ádaidh (@Craigadd) March 13, 2019
Everyone born in the UK before 1987 thinks Lucozade is medicine please retweet this is a nostalgia account now
— Nicola (@scrapegroat) March 12, 2019
Are you a Man? Are you just too interesting and misunderstood for therapy? Do you find yourself constantly unloading on unsuspecting women? Introducing: pay me. For just $100 an hour you can blab my fucking ears off and I’ll listen, smile, and wear your mother’s perfume.
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) March 14, 2019
summoning circle, hope this works
🕯 giant 🕯
🕯 death 🕯
🕯 asteroid 🕯
— Chris Boyd 🇬🇧🇵🇭 (@paperghost) March 13, 2019
— Hopeless Surfer (@HopelessSurfer) March 14, 2019
Storm Gareth is more effective at delivering trampolines than Argos.
— cluedont (@cluedont) March 13, 2019
I am desperately searching in my family tree for Irish ancestry. So far no joy (DID find one cat, but even that was Persian)
— Shappi Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) March 12, 2019
[a horde of zombies is coming for our survival group]
Me, a power walker: my time to shine
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 14, 2019