Our 25 favourite jokes of the week
13.
"The name's Bond, Fasten, Stick, Bind, Fuse or Glue. James Bond, Fasten, Stick, Bind, Fuse or Glue." – Roget Moore
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) February 12, 2019
14.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) February 13, 2019
15.
Hi, yeah, can you draw some animation for someone who is shaking their first furiously at a tiny dinosaur. Thanks. pic.twitter.com/Nr1U7vLSI0
— Hayley Ellis (@Hayles_Ellis) February 13, 2019
16.
me if I lived in one of those glass apartments people can see from the Tate pic.twitter.com/jQdDKL61XI
— Declan Cashin (@Tweet_Dec) February 13, 2019
17.
'Twitter, huh? Might give it a try. Sounds like fun!'
*two weeks later*
'SCREW YOU ALL. I WILL NEVER APOLOGISE. NAZIS, GO TO HELL. FURRIES, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU'RE MAD AT ME. While you're here, check out my SoundCloud.'
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) February 12, 2019
18.
right daphne, what part of ‘sit the f**k down and i’ll bring it over’ are you struggling with…? pic.twitter.com/M9WKNTWbFo
— forest fr1ends (@forest_fr1ends) February 13, 2019
19.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) February 13, 2019
20.
If life gives you carbonated water, high-fructose corn syrup, sugar, caramel colouring, phosphoric acid, artificial flavours, natural flavours, sodium benzoate and caffeine; make Dr Pepper.
— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) February 13, 2019
21.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) February 12, 2019
22.
https://twitter.com/youwouldknow/status/1095672383367794688
23.
It’s ‘too’. You’re never going to integrate if you don’t master the language. https://t.co/hbQdyZaXGV
— James O'Brien (@mrjamesob) February 15, 2019
24.
On this day 1984: The wedding of Elton John and Renate Blauel. pic.twitter.com/4RSB78edNP
— Balderdash (@notDcfcBoss) February 14, 2019
25.
Fool people into thinking you have no idea what Google is by posting 'Does anyone know of any florists in Hartlepool?' on your Facebook page.
— cluedont (@cluedont) February 14, 2019
