Our 25 favourite jokes of the week
Valentine’s Day is over and the shops are full of half-price chocolates in heart-shaped boxes – if you haven’t done any Brexit stockpiling, this might be the best place to start. Even better than that, we’ve gathered some of the funniest jokes shared on Twitter this week, so if you play your cards right, you can have laughs and chocs at the same time. Heaven!
You’re never too old to do whatever I just came in here for.
— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) February 10, 2019
masterchef is on again so here follows my biannual tweet about how gregg wallace looks like a dog barking at a trifle through a fence
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) February 11, 2019
I would rather run out of fuel on the way to another gas station than “see cashier” for payment.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 11, 2019
Aladdin (2019) pic.twitter.com/53MLXfp6qf
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 11, 2019
Not wanting to sully such a wholesome family photo… But Matthew Wright appears to have taken on the form of my year 10 netball teacher, Ms. Barber. pic.twitter.com/mSxLVPkpT5
— Holy Crayons (@HolyCrayons) February 12, 2019
I think there *might* be a simpler way to present this information. pic.twitter.com/wm5zwFCXSw
— Maddie York (@MadsYork) February 12, 2019
ME: *slides contract back* add another zero and you got yourself a deal
͟ ͟ ͟ ͟ ͟ ͟ ͟+͟0͟
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 11, 2019
FOR SALE : Tiny waterproof pouch suitable for trapping a mouse sneeze or eg a tear shed at a Herons funeral £8.00
— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) February 12, 2019
For someone who probably lets about £40 of vegetables rot in the fridge every week, I sure am frugal when it comes to not throwing away hard little slivers of goddamn soap.
— Ashley Davies (@MsAshleyDavies) February 12, 2019
I quit drinking coffee back in December for health reasons, so here's my thinkpiece on living my best life without caffeine:
I've wanted to murder everyone for the past two months and still do.
That's it. That's the post. Thank you.
— Eric Smith (@ericsmithrocks) February 11, 2019
We've just been described in the New York Times as "a second-tier British newspaper"
Nobody told us we'd gone up in the world.
— Sunday Sport (@thesundaysport) February 11, 2019
My favourite part of each day is proving to my daughter that I can make breakfast, taking her to school, then tipping that entire uneaten breakfast into the bin.
— Katherine Ryan (@Kathbum) February 12, 2019