The 25 funniest jokes of the week
Liam Neeson spent a week looking for a black person in Northern Ireland
— Athena Kugblenu (@athenakugblenu) February 5, 2019
My grandpa passed away recently. He made it a long time, but in the end I was the better swordsman.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 3, 2019
My Uncle's a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least he’s still got his pride.
— Gary Delaney (@GaryDelaney) February 2, 2019
My email password has been hacked, that’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
— Tony Blackburn (@tonyblackburn) February 4, 2019
So I end every sentence like I’m commentating on an animal football match but we all have our crosses to bear.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) February 2, 2019
BOSS: do you have any idea wh[breaking glass]why I summoned y[screams]you to my office?[“Jim’s dead!"]
ME: is it the veloci
BOSS: it's the velociraptor
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) February 6, 2019
everybody's gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
— Bre 🏳️🌈💖💜💙 (@anoticingsenpa1) February 5, 2019
This cashier just said to me "I don't know if I should card you or not. I had gray hair too in my twenties." and we laughed and laughed and now I'm waiting for her in the parking lot
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) February 5, 2019
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) February 4, 2019
"reach out and touch base" —depeche mode on linkedin
— Cooper Fleishman (@_Cooper) February 4, 2019
Netflix should have a category called
"easy to follow while looking at my
phone the whole time"
— bubz (@WhiteBoyBubz) February 6, 2019
[girl breaking up with me]
Girl: I just can't take it when you constantly quote Whitesnake lyrics.
Me: :sigh: Here I go again on my own.
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) February 6, 2019
Bring on the weekend.