The 25 funniest jokes of the week
In a week as stable as any other we’ve had in a while, Donald Tusk said Brexit promoters deserved Hell for not having a plan, Donald Trump got his union in a state, and M&S decided a suitable way to celebrate Valentine’s Day would be with a love sausage. The less said about that, the better. In more predictable quarters, Twitter was bloody funny, and we were there to capture it and display it for your edification:
1.
In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I’d NEVER make it as a writer.
Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I’m ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp— Dave Gibson (@MrDaveGibson) February 5, 2019
2.
I’ve been blocked by Gary Barlow!
Whatever I said, Whatever I did,I didn’t mean it
— TheRealDanieltheSpaniel (@RAFpolicedog) February 3, 2019
3.
Whats App tales.
Hi dad, you ok? How's things? Will you be home next week, I'll pop round.
Dad is typing..
Dad is typing…
Dad is typing…
Dad is typing….
Dad is typing…
Dad is typing…
Dad is typing…
Dad is typing…
Dad is typing…Dad is STILL typing…
Dad: Yes
— Meeeeee (@DonnaDlm71) February 3, 2019
4.
After 12 years I’ve finally found out my neighbour's name. And thanks to the woman screaming through his letterbox, I've also learnt he's a twat.
— Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳️🌈 🇺🇦 (@craiguito) February 4, 2019
5.
Youngest just pointed a nerf gun at me and said "Freeze! It's the FYI!" and now I want to write a story about a bunch of crack mansplainers who storm in and hand out unwanted advice.
— Sophie Wills (@SophsWills) February 2, 2019
6.
Just vaccinated your son while you were at shithead class
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 8, 2019
7.
this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE pic.twitter.com/9VediAqR3j
— Jennifer Cownie (@cownifer) February 5, 2019
8.
Someone posted an advert on Facebook looking for a stud dog for their female, and I am dying at the photo they chose pic.twitter.com/qKQG5XsOJ5
— rhi rhi (@Rhi4nna) February 2, 2019
9.
I press my thumb down on an app to delete it, causing all the other apps tremble with fear, and in this moment I am as great and terrible as a vengeful god of the ancient world, my cruelty both capricious and final.
— Downtown Josh Brown (@ReformedBroker) February 5, 2019
10.
Seal? I haven't heard that name in years pic.twitter.com/fhpy6vfclc
— Hozay Montana (@Hozay__) February 5, 2019
11.
It's very hard to discover the whereabouts of the best tribute bands because they've covered their tracks so well.
— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) February 6, 2019
12.
So my cousin had to dance on her table in class for losing a super bowl bet… pic.twitter.com/r2nFFmVdwZ
— Jackson Rutt (@rutt_jackson) February 4, 2019
