Just 20 ‘dad jokes’ to distract you momentarily from the horror of existence

 

All of the below courtesy of @TheTommyCooper on Twitter. They’ll make you groan. They’ll make you laugh.

1.

A policeman knocked on my door last week and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes.

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) May 10, 2018

2.

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) June 21, 2018

3.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) June 21, 2018

4.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.” “Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) August 16, 2018

5.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) April 27, 2018

6.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) March 7, 2018

7.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) March 7, 2018

8.

I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) November 28, 2017

9.

Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people. They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) August 14, 2017

10.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

— Tommy Cooper (@TheTommyCooper) May 27, 2017