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This NSFW Fifty Shades-style poem absolutely nails Brexit

Oonagh Keating. Updated January 18th, 2019

London-based Belgian writer, Elise Wouters, has written a poem for Brexit and it’s a bit racier than anything we’ve seen so far. She’s even recited it for us – which is nice.

“Give me a hard Brexit
I want a Brussels on its knees Brexit
Keen on a fifty shades of please Brexit
A lock me up, Boris, and throw away the keys Brexit

They say tensions are mounting
I’m up for the pound taking a pounding
No longer Europe’s little tease Brexit
Maybe we should see other nations
Quite like the sound of some Atlantic flirtations
Only need the odd Spanish vacation
I’m ready for my next exotic squeeze Brexit

I’ll tighten my borders, my own needs come first
The fruits of your cheap labour no longer quench my thirst
My article 50 lies spread-eagled on the table
I swear, after this break-up, I’ll be strong and stable

I’ll subsidise with little white lies
Rule Britannia with bedroom eyes
I’ll have my cake and eat yours too
As long as you know there’s no jumping this queue

So darling, auf wiedersehen, gracias, merci,
Our free trade was first rate
But I’m sure there’s plenty more fish in the sea

But then, it’s 4AM, I’m staring at old texts
I’m missing your French kisses; I’m wondering what is next
The only thing I know is that I can’t quite call it quits
Hey Europe babe, miss you, let’s be friends with benefits”

Makes a refreshing change from all the amicable divorce and cancelling gym membership talk. In an interview with Indy100, she said

“After the referendum vote, I noticed that a lot of the rhetoric surrounding Brexit was loaded with potential double meanings, so I started playing around with the language. May’s ‘strong and stable’ sounded like a mate in the middle of a messy break-up proudly declaring that they’re absolutely fine, while you know they’re kidding themselves and were just sobbing in the bathroom a minute ago.

This format of this erotic / ironic flirtation felt like the perfect approach for me to tackle Brexit. The sadomasochist tendencies of Leave campaigners provided a great source of inspiration as well.”

The poem has gone down very well.

Can’t believe she didn’t have gammon with that breakfast, though.

H/T: Indy100