Our 25 favourite jokes of the week
We’re going to avoid saying the B-word as much as possible and focus on the positives:
> We’ve made it past the hump day of January, so if we fall off the resolution wagon now, at least it looks like we tried.
> It’s Friday.
> The price of Freddos has stayed pretty static for the last year.
See – it’s not all
Brexit doom and gloom, particularly if you read these 25 funny things we’ve seen this week.
The greatest lie ever told is the cooking time to caramelize onions in any recipe.
— roxane gay (@rgay) January 18, 2019
tfw you're stuck choosing between the frozen pizza and the frozen chicken nuggets pic.twitter.com/932GgxwJ2C
— Yes, I Like Wine Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) January 13, 2019
I call my wife 'her indoors' because she looks like Jim Morrison.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) January 13, 2019
Sure the veneer of civilization seems to grow thinner every day, but we are living in the golden age of milk alternatives
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 13, 2019
Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about "Rock beats paper"
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) January 13, 2019
Can we please take a moment to appreciate Ballymoney railway station’s visual representation of anti social behaviour pic.twitter.com/4JPlC3MkAp
— Sarah Laverty (@SarahLaverty1) January 13, 2019
As a woman I can't imagine how it would feel to see an ad that implies I could improve
— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) January 16, 2019
I’d say one of my best qualities is that I never hold a grudge. I mean I barely even remember the time when I was 6 and Sarah Jones was talking in class and our teacher, Mrs Davies, told me off for it when it wasn’t even me. I don’t hold grudges at all, Sarah, you fucking bitch.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) January 12, 2019
WRITER: So it’s a show about a talking dog.
PRODUCER: Dogs can’t talk tho.
WRITER: Well he has a significant speech impediment.
PRODUCER: Ah, of course. Carry on then.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) January 13, 2019
My new favourite joke:
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and the other to hold the penis… LADDER! I meant LADDER!
— C.L. Taylor (@callytaylor) January 15, 2019
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol' lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
— Abam (@AdamBroud) January 13, 2019
Reservoir Moggs pic.twitter.com/JioHGpepg0
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) January 17, 2019