This hilarious NSFW story will make you think twice about skiving in the work toilet

Everybody is entitled to a bathroom break at work – it’s a fundamental human right – but we are probably all guilty of taking a bit longer than necessary, maybe having a quick scan of our social media while we’re there. One man in Australia has told a story that might make you never want to sit on a loo again.

Reddit user robbomate‘s excruciating but hilarious tale was shared on a subreddit called TIFU, which stands for “Today I fucked up” and it couldn’t be more appropriate. He called his post “TIFU by not looking before I sat down”

“Floor 8 of the of place my employment, inside the mens’ shitter.

I’m sitting there, doing my sit-down-business because boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. I’ve just finished the dirty work and I’m about to perform my ablutions, but I delay it because it’s a “paid to shit” thing, dicking around on reddit a bit. At this point I feel something jump onto my balls. Something I had never hoped I would ever experience, let alone talk about on the internet.

I shriek. Not a barbarian shriek. Not a viking shriek. Psycho-Shower-Scene shriek.

A huntsman spider has crawled out of the toilet bowl and jumped onto my low hanging fruit.

I bat the spider off, smacking myself in the nuts, keel over in pain.

Spider dead. Good news.

My banshee wail has not gone unanswered. Bad news.

Someone comes into the bathroom and knocks on the stall door. “Mate are you alright? Have you fallen over? I’ll call an ambulance.”

“NO. FINE. EVERYTHING. IS. GOOD. JUST SLIPPED. FINE. NO NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE. YOU CAN LEAVE NOW.”

I flush the world’s smallest sexual predator to try and retain some of my inner pride, wash my hands, and make the very VERY long walk back to my desk.

My manager’s desk isn’t too far from the bathrooms, and he comes up to me afterwards.

“What happened in there, is everyone alright?”

“Yeah… Everyone’s… FINE.”

And then I make the dumbest decision of my life, and explain to him what had happened. And the audacity of the man; he LAUGHS. He laughs so hard he has to sit down so he doesn’t hurt himself.

His hyena/kookaburra hybrid laughter has gotten the attention of some of the other members of my team. They’re looking to get in on the funny, funny joke.

Bossman wheezes “GET… GET HIM TO… TELL THEM HOLY SHIT”

And because I’m incredibly susceptible to peer pressure, I tell them. Like a fucking gimp.

I’m gonna skip past most of the laughter because it went on for what felt like forever.

I come back from lunch, and Bossman and two other members of my team come up to me as I’m sitting back down at my desk getting ready to get back to work. Bossman is holding a piece of paper.

“Look. We need to have a chat about something. I’ve brought two of your friends in the team as support since this is obviously not something that’s easy to talk about.”

I am confused.

“I have a blank HR report here. I’ll need you to fill this out. You confided into me that you were sexually harassed in the workplace and it’s my duty of care to make sure the ‘POOPITRATOR’ is brought to justice. Under the space where it says ‘which hand did they assault you with’, just put x8. We understand this is a traumatic experience for you and I just want you to know that every resource we have is here for you.”

TL;DR I need to fake my own death because I screamed when a spider jumped on my balls while I was on the toilet.”