The 25 funniest jokes of the week
Top 5 Movie Titles Describing My Sex Life:
1) Get Out
2) Home Alone
3) A Quiet Place
4) Ready Player One
5) Mission Impossible
— Sara Wren (@sarawrencomedy) January 8, 2019
She told me to touch her in a way she never felt before, so I rubbed a sponge cake across her knees.
— Paul (@bingowings14) January 6, 2019
Born on this day 1983: Kim Jong-un – Supreme Leader of North Korea. pic.twitter.com/Z0akYCheY8
— Balderdash (@notDcfcBoss) January 8, 2019
Did… space germs write this? pic.twitter.com/3QlSghQXgs
— Rob Manuel (@robmanuel) January 9, 2019
Accidentally washed a piece of Halloween confetti down the sink and I’m afraid to say the plughole is now very haunted pic.twitter.com/60OV0hZBee
— Zoë Tomalin (@ZoeTomalin) January 5, 2019
— John Madden (@ja_madden) January 10, 2019
[first day as a billionaire] I have a coupon
— mo (@chuuew) January 10, 2019
Boomers: When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
GenX: When life hands you lemons, create a startup to market lemon juice as a healthy, low-carb alternative to lemonade.
Millennials: Hahahaha, as if life would ever just *hand you* lemons
— Erin Haacker (@HydroHaacker) January 7, 2019
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) January 8, 2019
is it because of transfats pic.twitter.com/EQTSs1eF2r
— The Gregory Brothers (@gregorybrothers) January 10, 2019
Don't usually share karate tips on here in case my enemies are reading but here's a move that my sensei taught me:
If you tilt your head forward and pinch the bridge of your nose, the bleeding soon stops
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) January 9, 2019
There are now an estimated four podcasts per person on Earth.
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) January 10, 2019
I'll stick to Marmite. pic.twitter.com/P3wR1H6Goz
— Julie D Irwin (@JDIrwinbooks) January 9, 2019
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised, please don’t ring our helpline – it’s actually a pizza shop in Crawley.